Stepping back into my own Poetry

Poison brimming upon thy lips, seductive kisses form a twisted soul, releasing itself through thee, May the cum of your cunt, drip acid upon thy dick.

Fire heating the hell within, promises kept unto manipulation, escaping the clutches of ones sword, grasping the weeping that spreads like disease.

Death crosses far from the land, the shadows it brings disembowels all objections, stench of the filth it lingers with them, Tied to connections it vomits within.

Darkness overshadows her pain, Sickness cures the evil outside, Whispers in her ears from the heavens above, laughter of nightmares beckons from hell.

A Whisper from the dead

Hey Darls, Thanx for calling and chin up ok, I know Tami is proud of us and she’s happy but Becky it would be breaking her heart to see you so upset. I don’t blame you for drinking either, I was so bad I was drinking a goon a day, I have slowed down heaps, Drinky maybe once a fortnight, JohJoh costs me lots, lol I might send her back to WA to be with you! I can’t afford her. Anyway, You have a good time and take care. Love you Darlz, Jacquie xx

No More Please

I can’t do it anymore. I’m at my wits end. Nothing helps, nothing cures the burning inside me. Killing every inch of me with every more breathe I take… Nothing consoles the lonliness I have within myself burdened upon my spirit for as long as I;ve been old enough to understand. Sorrow, confusions, losts, alone, hatred, whats wrong with me. why do I have to be such a fucked up freak..

I’m not drinking anymore, or getting off anymore. I’m merely trying to focus on the waves of intensity of emotions and thoughts that are finally able to penetrate my mind. Its like a tidal wave of hateful thoughts, evil commands, punishing voices. I drank to block them out. I take medication to block them out. I look for other self destructive way to explode away from my body, lash out at it as punishment. I know have these…

I just want to stop crying. im so sick of crying, i feel like thats all ive done this year, cry and get pissed. and now im not getting pissed anymore, all i do is seem to cry and cry. Perhaps the meds no longer work. The evil blackness crawls its way back over my deserted skin. It pressures me to calm my pain, heal with pain, makes me feel worthless, used, unwanted. i cant do this anymore, i want this pain to go away.

I’m fearful of abandonment,
Like being left on a burning mountain.
I Envy success,
Disallowing my own to be praised.
Confrontation confuses me,
Like an animal stuffed in a bag.
I fake Pride and Positivity,
So they may never see my pain.
Rip the pieces of flesh from my skin,
As the blood drains, my pain eases..
Chunks of stale hatred for myself,
Dissolving into tainted scars.
This tunnel nevers ends,
The light I see is not the one I wish.
Would it not be easier to rid all of this burden?
Rather than the time of starting again.

I don’t want to go one, I have lived more than most. I hate this sickness inside of me. Nothing makes it ease. I destroy the serenity in place for good to come into my life. I poison and tarnish the vision, the hopes and aspects one must hold. I honestly have no clue, no idea, nothing comes to mind when I think of my future. Everything I’ve wanted up until last week has disappeared into ashes. My hopes and dreams to further my career, all but gone. I am no longer happy, no longer safe, anywhere in this world. I am glad to have seen all of my family the past few weeks. It was to make my going abroad easier for both sides. Now I know its easier for some kind of separation. I call upon the Goddesses I know watch over me, to lead me into the right path. The path of those I care about. No more pain for them either. Disparting of emotions over time.

I am so lonely in this world. I wish someone would understand.

After Love

There is no magic any more, We meet as other people do, You work no miracle for me Nor I for you. You were the wind and I the sea— There is no splendor any more, I have grown listless as the pool Beside the shore. But though the pool is safe from storm And from the tide has found surcease, It grows more bitter than the sea, For all its peace.

There’s only one I miss at the moment

It just never gets better does it. Compared to my last post anyway. I decide to cancel all previous arrangements I had with said boys. I’ve decided Men are the scum of the earth (again) and can’t see any satisfaction or gratification in going on dates, getting attention, playing hard to get. I’m over it. I don’t want to be here anymore. To Top it all off, my phone gets disconnected. After having the same number for 4 years.  Hundreds of people have dialled my number. How easy it was. I’ll never get it back, so here it WAS: 044 81 00 00 8. Oh my dear handpicked number.

I’m in so much debt. I want to get out of it. AARRGGGHHHH I want to scream. But upon my return form my holiday I have a plan for that.

I fly away tomorrow. Up, up in the air, I fly… Zoom, zoom, zoom zoom zoom.. Where the arms of long lost family await me. New tales of adventure await.

I finally heard from my Sailor today. Via text. It hurt a little bit. I miss him, miss his morning wake up calls, his updates throughout the day. We were meant to spend the laugh half of this holiday together. He blames me and my life for ending it. Yet after a few months he begged me to open up to him. To let him in and become an ‘US’. so I did, and he couldn’t handle it, the drama in my life. It’s my fault my friend gets hit by a car, my fault my friend jumped out and started dancing. Everything was always my fault. I shouldn’t feel as sad as I do. I guess I thought I’d finally found someone worthy of me. But I guess he wasn’t. Its like a retracting animal that lives within a shell, comes fully out the first time, explores the world. Gets hurt and retreats. After a while, it finally decides to explore again, not exposing so much of themselves, being tempted out by trusting creatures, a little bit comes out, only to be hurt again, retreating the lost animal further into its self. Never again is that animal likely to come out as much as it had. Thanks for that Asshole. I hope you die old, lonely, childless, and hated. Not really but if felt good to say it. I miss your company and friendship so much. I hope you do too.

Boys Boys Boys

I love the way life works. I decided to listen to my earlier lesson, and not bother contacting anyone. I only need me and time for myself. I went to sleep. At 3.30 in the spring afternoon, and snuggled into my body pillow, wrapping it around me and hugging me warm. I had many calls/texts/notifications. And this is why I love the way life works, I did not hear nor stir for any of these noises. Except for two. One at 5pm, from D. He had gotten credit just to call me. We laughed and joked, made plans for tomorrow and shared mutual affection of our love of music and ambitions to go to Big Day Out. He invited me to go with him. Awww.

The Second was from.. umm.. what can I call him*, I know He’s been mentioned prior. A dear lad I have had a crush on for, gosh, a while actually. But never ever and still haven’t acted on it. We are friends through friends, have known eachother about two years, and after I developed little bits of excitement when around said lad, I discover he has also now become one of Evils* close friends. Well he had, until he started coming to visit me every week or so for beers and a catchup. He came around tonight, he bought a friend thank god, tension would have been intense. I couldn’t let him stay longer than 20 minutes as My Gal had already cracked the shits upon coming home tonight to guests.

My phone gets disconnected tomorrow. I have a new number. So many ppl aren’t getting it. Then hopefully I get a job overseas, and most will never hear from me again. This thought alone feels me with rush and release. I’m not running away. I’m growing up. Cutting the threads of habit that tie me to the souls that drag me down. I will be fine. I will return in 5 years for a visit. To see my siblings who some would be adults by then. To see my Family who some would be dead by then. I shall return sophisticated but still Daggy me,  Grown up whilst still mischevious, Well presented but still unfashionly . With a few houses under my belt, A rewarding and executive career and a charming Husband. The first of Two anyway. I can’t change that way about me Hopefully he will be what I’ve wanted since I was 5 and fascinated with the combination of dialects in languages. A French Canadian. Not rude unlike the French, but a Canadian who can ravish me in the cool of the night with words of Latin like,  poetry.

So tomorrow night, a date over Pints with D, Thursday night Fisherman is taking me out for dinner. God Bless 6am starts and 8am flights. Not. I am not tired despite having to arise in 5 hours. perhaps I should not have slept, oh wait, there’s a yawn. I love my life. I love medication for making me love life. If I forget to take it, I am pounded by headaches, aches, sadness, anger, tears, fears and a complete fucked up way of thinking. Back to my known reality I suppose. And when I take it again, I vomit for hours, am dizzy and cloudy, until the next day, when everyday just gets better and better, so good, i get so happy i forget to take it and the cycle starts all over. I must refill my script before I fly out. And perhaps get the pill if I plan on having sex again.

UPDATE: Just as I pressed Publish on this post, Fisherman text to say he just got credit to talk to me.  I’m glad I’m helping Telstra make lots of money out of recharge cards for me.

I know you want me, You Know I want ya

Anticipation, relentlessly flows through me, like a desire of unattached devotional emotions. Decisions of greater comfort which result in further disappointment. Do I need a lesson in my own game again? But what if the desire is but such a miraculous symphony? How I do conquer, request, after all, its only for 2 more nights. Sultry? Lustfull? Playing? Beauty? What does one seek? The same as I? How can that be so, I don’t even know.

Holidays

I’ve started taking my meds again, seems I forget to on the weekends sometimes. I feel so much better now! The tears, anger, pain and rash decisions have stopped. I bailed on last night’s lesson, the temptation  would have been too hard to refuse… I want to take a vow of celibacy. Which will be hard considering how much I enjoy passion, But perhaps I will wait till I find someone worth it, decent, and special.

I submitted 21 applications over the night, for positions around the world. For one company, doing what I love. The next week will be held in anticipation. Of course I will remain distracted upon my arrival in Sydney this coming Friday. The drinks are waiting, the men are waiting, the clubs are waiting,  My family is waiting, to partying, catch up, fall in love with Sydney, to tempt me to move there. My cousin is 19yrs old. Party girls run in the family. She is organising my entire trip. Including picking me up from the airport on Friday. I’m not sure how long I will be there actually. I need to make it up to the Gold Coast by the end of the month, I’m hitchhiking up the coast, I want to spend a night in Newscastle, because I can.

In QLD, apart from the family, I am watching the Indi Races from a high rise apartment with a girlfriend who lives with a rotating average of 5 hot guys. She has booked me a bed, although it will most likely be shared

Drink. Drank.Drunk. Clubbing. For the first time in my life, I can go on holidays not only alone, but without the hassle of having to check back in with anyone, feel guilt and shy away from the world. Welcome back Life, I’ve been waiting for you. Do me good and fun, and I will appreciate you even more.

PS:  I would like to see D today. But I need to catchup on sleep. Perhaps a phone call will suffice.

Lesson Number One.

He’s promised me a lesson. On Cooking. He said its to be themed. Dress up and feel good he continued, the theme is romantic. In addition to this out of character behaviour, he confirms ‘Brews & Bruises’ are to be had. I’m still recovering. I must keep him at bay. I enquired the location, his beautiful kitchen located in a matching apartment, where neighbours can hear the desires, where voyeurism is publicly encouraged from ones window sill, we confuse them, till we fall to the softness as laughter bounces off the walls. He does not mind where, mine or his, he wants me to be comfortable. I want to escape, however I will not pack an overnight bag. This decision will later teach me the values of resisting temptation. He said I shall feast upon a banquet. And end in naughty deserts. His silent sleep as his essence envelopes me into a ball of protected vulnerableness. As much as I miss the feel of ’spooning’ as they call it, I’m happy to allow myself to be the only one privileged enough to. No matter how charming or persistent he may be to shower me in affection. I think he is trying to make up for getting me arrested. But after all, he still thinks I have a boyfriend. I think… Lets keep it that way for now.

I don’t want to relax now. I want to party. I want to drink. I want to have fun. I want to laugh and talk. I think I might go see D. As Much as I have an early start tomorrow, its early on a Sunday afternoon, I can distract him whilst he is working, knowing full well I will leave him to catch the train all the way home. B just called, asking me to attend a beautiful bistro with him for pints. Declined. I was meant to relax this weekend. I didn’t. But I’ve been sober for all of it. Only when the sun starts to rise and my red bull wears off, have i skulled down a few to knock me out. Nothing compared my normal ways of being totalled by lunch. I remember alot more. Its quite wonderful. Everyone else around me is drunk.

The marks on me are unique. I can remember each one, occurance of rationality at the time . My love of addictive tendencies over shadow my character of sombre needs. I feel like I am constantly fighting with myself. And I’m not sure why. Or how exactly. I just know there is a war inside me, hooked daggers pierce the lining of my being, dragging me in many directions, causing undue stress when not having the answers drives me crazy. I think I need relief of all this, how, I do not know, Can I run away? just for a few weeks? Disappear into the unknown. Have no contact with any prior knowns. I can only wish, and dream, and think, and strive and conquer and discover. I’m on my way to paradise creating my own road off the beaten track.

Well Here I am.

Probably the most craziest yet amusingly funny week of my year. A great start off to the season of Spring. This past week alone, I’ve held a party where many a men received broken and fractured noses and cheek bones. Had holes out in my wall, couches covered in blood and a house full of glass. Watched a best mate get taken out by a car whilst walking less than a metre in front of me. Survived on an average of 3 hrs sleep each night, and last 48 hrs between Thursday and Saturday without the aid of anything other than a few pippies.. Started a new job which meant I worked from 7pm till 7am after already had gotten up at 5am the day before, with an hour sleep. Which was due to my being arrested and put in a cell. My Therapist runs out of paper. The police came to see me today aswell. The good ones from the accident, sat on my lounge, called me precious and a ‘Sunday Boozer’ and said not to hesitate to call them if I got into trouble, it’s fairly possible they heard about my escapades on thursday night. Which I was apologised to for, the mobile breath machine in the car was actually faulty. Still scared the shit out of me seeing the back of a paddy wagon and having to pee in a cell toilet. It all happened because dancer boi got out in the middle of the road whilst I was at a red light, so he could break out into raving to pendulum blaring from my speakers. I am almost complete with my transition into my life style goal. I am a hippy. I even meditated today and plan on going to the buddist temple to receive a flower. But as I am fully fledged single again, my body and mind ache from the lust, need and desire of pleasure, attention and comfort from men.

Last night ‘D’* asked me not to include him in my blog. Not there is anything to talk about. We talked till the sunrise and fell asleep beside eachother. There was no intention of anything else. We talked about my ending with Sailor Chef, and his ending of his 5 yr partnership and not having the guts to be with anyone else 2 years one. Poor dude, wasting the best part of twenties. I will find him a nice girls to ease him back into the game. I seem to be more of a wingwomen for my male friends then actually trying to get lucky myself. I dont need to try, and it has nothing to do with luck. They are everywhere, surround me, haunt me, call me, visit me, plead for me, worship me, romance me, feed me.. For what? in the hope they may have a chance? i am far more resilent than that. I am not one to compromise my standards, ok maybe I did with the Chef, but I desire a challenge, a fast pace, I’m yet to meet anyone that matches my mind, except for dancer boi, but he is far too close and inside my head to consider the possibility of a relationship. Oh no, the big word, surely I should not be dishearted or rushful in looking. I am not looking, the lookers come to me, I decide, I accept, I reject, I respect and I am the one with the power.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas fills my room. My message persistently beeps, I’ve counted 5 sms beeps, perhaps I should check them, I was aware I holding up converstations. I am flying, like Aladin on his magic carpet. My life echoes the dreams of a parallell universe version of myself. Craziness finds me, no matter how much I hide. I am a magnet for the insane realms and events of this world, and I enjoy every minute of it. If my life were to be boring, It would not be my life. I want to go to Amsterdam and watch a live sex show. I peeked through the windows of a swingers party I stumbled across, all I could see was the pool, and women the size of a truck with 5 men stuck to her floating whale of body like ants stuck in honey. It was disgusting. I want to leave Australia. We are so far behind in everything, my personality and life style are far too advanced for the majority of residence here. There are too few like minded people. When I find one, most likely female, I gain friends for life.

I’m drinking my first taste of wine for today, from a pint glass, I shall only have one small serving before I decide which date I am to accept for tonight. I require an early night for an early start, so I must be careful in what I desire tonight and order from my phone menu the appropriate individual to amuse my mind for tonight. Till then, xx