Smooth Operator…

Welcome to Christmas Eve morning. 9.18am to be exact. Awake and Alert albeit somewhat stoned on Medication. Been awake for hours after an AMAZING sleep with NO NIGHTMARES!! And you know why? A Massage!! A Massage cured my nightmares. Truly this feeling is making me stactic. And also due to the fact I didn’t drink at all last night.  I’m finding myself experiencing a new thing in life. And seeing as my life on the outside has been quite boring of late, I thought I shall do a feature on the current situation.

I’m lying in bed after having already spent the morning seeing three seperate friends and chatting to numerous more on the phone. Now I sit alone propped up in my mountain of a bed with sarongs of bright colours lining my walls, the sound of the wind russling through the windows, and just then as I type, the custom ringtone of someone in particular.

Upon my return from a trip, say nearly 8 weeks ago. An furrow of simple, plain, non intrusive texts, but a generalization of life through text, has exchanged. As u can imagine, after 7 weeks of this, the curiosity got the better of us. A Beach meeting, with friends, laughter and the Ocean. Time evaded, didn’t happen. The next time he was on his way over to pick me up, his friend called for getting busted DD. And to add to this, no doesn’t get pissed for the sake of it, and best of all, i mean its a terrible dirty thing to be happy about, but he is a smoker. Not weed or anything like that (He’s becoming a pilot?) but he smokes about 1/4 the amount of smokes I do. So thats cool.

Anyway, have had two long dates, water, sun air etc etc, still haven’t even held hands. My Gal says its because I’m not used to someone taking it slow, and my all means, I’m not complaining. Best thing of all, I did get a massage, utter 100% not sexual, but it got rid of my nightmares!!! Didn’t just block them up and cloud them over like the meds do so sometimes it seaps back in, but I actually had HAPPY DREAMS!! I honestly don’t remember the last time that happened. I’ve run out of meds and lost my keycard so i cant go refill my script, but i think I may have found a natural cure.  As much as I’ve been avoided it, Merr… nope, haha fuck it. Happy Thursday??

Glass

I’m not a violent person. I’m really not. I’m not the one who leaves holes in the wall from throwing glasses at boyfriends head. It 2am. Covered in blood. I’d been copping abuse all night my from my gal. Verbal and blackmail like. Everyone was like, what the fuck? Is she crazy?

To cut a long story short, after me receiving copious amounts of shoves and items thrown at me, she then proceeded to grab my hair as i walked away. I turned to hit her as she kicked me in the kidneys, but as I had a glass in my hand, I didn;t want to hit her. So I elbowed her instead, but then she reacted and pushed my arm out, thus causing my fist to hit the roof of her car and shattering in my card (My hand is full of  cuts and shards of glass) the broken glass then fell down upon her at high speed from the force of my hand hitting the  roof. I have witnesses who have verified tonight that I was in the right state of mind and  it was self defence. I’ve been sober for more than 8 hours.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

I’m happy.  I’m relaxed. My mind is at ease. The blockage of thoughts is finally filtered

Rent Inspections – The point? I’m not sure, I’ve only had one since I’ve been in my house for the better part of two years.  I was meant to have one last week. My gal and I had the day off, Swallowed some No-Doze, Chased it with Red-bull and proceeded on the dust, cobwebs, linen, rubbish, toilet rolls and food remnants around the house. Pasta thrown on the wall for checking time.  If it sticks, its ready. Also some on the roof.  Sticky blue streamers aligning the walls from many a party ago. Glass throughout the house swept into piles, then the vacuum broke. Doh.

I hope when they inspect today (after missing the one last week) They realised how hot the god damn place is in summer. Perhaps I should have waited till today to Alfoil my windows. I slept in utter darkness, not awoken by the rays of light bouncing off the colourbond fence 1 metre away from my head. I woke up to a dark cool room. You have no idea how happy this makes me. I’m eagerly ecstatic to sleep in tomorrow!! yay!! Actually, I have my work Christmas party tonight at a nightclub, and I’ve given up my spot in the shared hotel room with my mates, to help a girlfriend out so she can stay with her man, and so I can sleep in, not only a dark room, oh no. But a CLEAN room (Domestos even used – Although it did stain some things) with CLEAN sheets and it just feels so damn CLEAN!

The guests tomorrow night who somehow end up in my room (as we always do) are going to be gobsmacked with the space of it. and the fact its CLEAN!

I’m quite anxious over who may be present tomorrow night. I mean last time I was so incoherently wasted prior to anyone arriving that I still don’t recall who was actually there. therefore, it doesn’t matter. However I plan to be soberly straight for the entire event of tomorrow, thus my conflicting anxiety kicks in. Perhaps I will just share a few joints and let the good times roll. The music was over powered last time and fights broke out over it. This time, people have requested they bring their own music onto made up cds and iPods etc. The night IS about MY Gal and I so therefore, we will change the music as we see fit..

It has also come to my attention that my light brown fluffy hair above my lip, has this year become more prominent. I said I never would but the time has come to swallow my words. I’m waxing my upper lip. God have mercy. I’m allergic to some waxes, the last thing I want is to look like a swollen buffoon at my work do tonight, and my event tomorrow!!

On the upnote, Meeting a guy tonight that I’ve been smsing and talking to on the neat and phone for almost six weeks now..  First one to be vulgar, or dirty etc. I’m liking it, ready to meet him.

PS: I’ve been maintaining abstinence.
PPS: It’s make me horny as hell *TMI
PPSS: My Gal and I have been best friends for 8 years and one day!!

A tiny number of suicides have been tenuously linked
to anti-depressants, and on the basis of these
unproven accusations, an entire demonising bandwagon
has been put on the road.

You may have heard of my beloved. She is part of the

SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors) family

of anti-depressants – Prozac is her somewhat more

famous big sister – and she is a bit of a slag, since

over 100 million people worldwide also have her in

their bloodstream.

Another consequence of the surreal, stupid ‘war on drugs’ – where billions of pounds are spent trying to flush every prohibited toxin from the insides of every Londoner – was revealed this week. A Scotland Yard study admitted that although white ABs like me are the most prolific drug users in town, young black men are almost always the ones arrested for it. George Rhoden, chair of the Yard’s Black Police Association, said, “It has got to be about racism.” Sing it, sister. Drug use is so integral to London, and so impossible to defeat, that the ‘war’ against it simply gives the police an excuse to harass anybody they (dis)like. It is cruelly, bitterly unsurprising that nearly a decade after the Lawrence Inquiry, it is still black men who are the usual suspects to be rounded up at every turn.

Tis the Season to be Jolly

The only time you will see me with some kind of Celebration for Christmas emblazed..

I haven’t really noticed Christmas is approaching. I plan to do nothing, Celebrate nothing and be with no one. After all, its my first single xmas, meaning I don’t have to spend it with someone elses family as I do every year, feeling like an outsider or getting unwanted sympathy from not having my own family to spend it with. The only present I’ve purchased so far was a plant for secret santas at work. I killed his two plants who let me look after one holiday, and I also killed my cactus. Didn’t think it was possible. That’s how pink my thumb is No green about it what so ever. So I figured a plant would suffice as a replacement for two.

Last years I spent $3k + on present, gifts including hand made creations, all for my friends, family, even aquaintences. This year I’m too broke and really can’t be fucked. I wanted to escape to Bali, or stay in a hotel But now I’m thinking I cruise up the coast in my car, pick a spot along a beach, have a few rods +bait and a few tins of food and enjoy the serenity of being on my own. Yes That’s what I want for Christmas.  Relaxation. At its best.

I really want to start doing Colour Splash Photography..

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.

I know the reason for it being as it has lately. Why I sleep with a candle burning next to my slumberess head. I feel the breeze and touch of the spirits, I hear the laughter and singing they bring with their presence, the crying and weeping they try to hide from you. I’m not sure why she is so persistant with death lately. I guiltily should have realised sooner. I diassociate the lapse of time I should never forget. So pressed into my mind are nightmares. The most vivid and creative ways of death, pain and torture upon my soul. I do not ask for this. I hate this.

I slept 23  hours straight over the weekend, not from cause of my own. My body was trapped, under my mind which forever churned out the dreams and events before my internal eye, not allowing my body to function and awake itself.

I dreamt of rape. By someone I am fearful of. He came to my house, held me down, My screams muffled by the sting of his fist against my face. The throbbing of pain between my legs and the arch of my back in a wrongful unnatural position. I tried screaming. Nobody came until it was too late. I was found bruised and bloody slumped against a wall.  He walked away laughing. This is a dream I remember so vividly but wish not to at all.

I dreamt of fire. Burning housefire. We were pulled from it safely. But as I watch the flames lick closer to where my written and photographic posistions were held, I sobbed and reached out for all my memories soon to be lost. No place left in the world, no record of my existance being able to remain through such force. I ran back into the house. Clutching and ducking the beams of fire above my head. I reached the bookshelf, I touched my albums and diaries of years gone by. They turned to dust.  The fire hadn’t even reached that area yet, but somehow, life did not want these possesions to remain. I let the blackbness ofthe charred smoke fill my lungs, sting my eyes, and the carbon dioxide to take my conciousness.

I dreamt of death. The death of a baby. I was in another life, perhaps myself older, mature, calmer and above all, happy. I was surround by love and warmth, and carried a beautiful double set golden pair of rings upon my wedding finger. In my dream, I tried to recall the other aspects of my life, who was I sharing it with, where was I living? But my dream did not want me to know all this, just understand I was happy in my time. I felt sensations in my abdomen, and remembered a flash of a warm embrace with someone and realised I was pregnant. The dream focused in fast succesion the process of change upon my body. From subtle growth, to the gentle bubble like feeling of when the child moved inside me. The happiness at baby showers, lotioning the growing skin, Laughter and soft pink colours of a nursery. The the day arrived, I was surrounded by loved ones, the pain of giving birth in a dream was rather frightening, but overtaken by adrenelin. The bundle arrived, the room went silent. A bundle wrapped in pink was taken out of the room. I searched the eyes of the attending people lingering in the room, their eyes showed sadness, beyond belief. I wanted to know what was wrong? Why was there no crying coming from the other room, why was no one acknowledging me? I jumped out of bed, and ran into the adjoining room. There before my eyes, was a hollow, lifeless gray body of something so tiny and miraculous, it looked like it wasn’t even there. I had given birth to a child who had already passed on.

I dreamt others like the three above. Each time waking up sobbing, screaming, exhausted, irrational and dillusional. But to relive the rest of them, in order to detail them in words, would exhaust me even more. Just the memories of such visions, so real and life like, that my brain still has trouble deciding the difference between reality and not. I don’t want to know to be honest. Sleep allows me to avoid all in life. Well I thought it did. I want to sleep to escape my reality, but my sleeping mind is now worse that real life. I’m scared to go to sleep, and scared to stay awake. Is there not some place between I can substantiate a viewing glass of life? Yet not be involved as much as I am at the moment… I’m scared of the next second, the next phone call, the next email, the next letter, the next conversation with someone around me, scared of tomorrow, of tonight, of deciding anything from lunch to where should I be on my break. When I make a decision, I’m scared its the wrong one. I’m not normally like this, but I feel as though I given the reigns of my soul to someone else for a while. No one in particular, just in auto-pilot mode whilst I take a break. Oh how badly do I need a break…

I feel the same and I wanna meet her..

Yes it has been long since I have posted. In truth my life has become uneventful and boring somewhat, albeit still busy and full of dates..
Just more toned down. Relaxed. I even spent 2 hrs today cleaning my house. I got a beautiful incense, Sea Breeze, and as the wind blows freely from window to open door, I taste the essence of sand and freedom upon my mouth.

My mouth, my mouth has been the centre of all things sweet, Creme Brule, soft kisses of lovers once loved, kisses hundreds of feet in the air glazing down to the city below, kisses of morning wakeups and the voices of intelligence. I am 100% at peace with myself, no longer do I crave the attention, I avoid it. It still follows me, but I am happy to ignore. The more I retract, the more they are enticed. I’m growing elegant, Stylish and mindful of how I look to others. Never once did I think I would be the kind of girl to touch up her lipstick or blush in the toilet stalls of the many places I inhabit. But I read somewhere, that when  you are single and free, to present ones self well, brings self-confidence, and happiness.. Never mind I am not trying to impress anyone, but merely when I happen to glance in the rear view mirror and am taken back by a female who takes the time now, to perhaps wash and straighten her hair, and wear lip gloss… I feel like staring in a country song, tom boy goes wild, moves to high heals, mildly more fashionable clothes and an awareness of calm, serenity and self-love that leaves trails where she walks. That’s me. I’m so very happy.

I’ve started cooking.. Much to the delight of my Gal… It must mean I’m happy, I love to cook, and I took a break from it so many moons ago..

Confidence Boosters

Really pissed off right now. Georgina is a total bitch to Serena, I have no idea how one person can be that nasty in only two hours!! And I mean Dan, his dads right, he is too judgemental of others, and Serena should learn to open up to those close to her.. Gossip Girl is so damn addicted.

Its Friday night, I’m curled in my bed watching an addictive tv show, with my dog at my feet and the neighbours next door having a party. Dropped My Gal off at a date, whom she says is hot hot hot hot. Went to lunch, movies then timezone today. entered the pub for 15 minutes. Too many people there. And my phone is annoying me. I spoke to Sailor, so good to hear his voice. Might stop in and see him tomorrow. Evil ex also contacted me today. Navy #2 messaged me, even though I’ve ignored him for days. “You’re an Awesome girl,  you will make any guy happy, I just wish it was me”.  Sheraton boy messaged, begging me to go out to dinner with him, I ’seem’ like an amazing chick. An old flame from many moons ago also messaged “Hey sexy how are you? I’ve missed you so much in my life”. I responded that I’m in bed and heading to sleep, his reply? Typical male, although weird as we have always been just friends, well except that time i drove my car onto the board walk, but then he did something horrible and i’ve never looked back, but he is a dear friend that saved me from many years in prison, “The thought of being in the same room as you makes my mind flutter, Sorry if thats full on, but I would find it hard to keep myself away from you, what guy wouldn’t? That day we met 5 years ago, you drew me into your essence and I’ve never found it again. There’s something about you that makes guys like me suffer”

Date from last night did not cease texting me, he’s at a 21st. I’m meant to be at two parties. Too tired.
My gal just arrived home as I was typing this, with the most beautiful male specimen I’ve ever seen, well except my Texan I took home a few months ago. Date from last night called, told me I’m one of the most amazing woman he’s met and can’t wait to take me on a 2nd date. Lunch tomorrow it is. If that goes well, then I’m cooking him dinner Monday. Best be off, about to take my dog for a drive. xoxo, Gossip girl

Ghost Busters

Last night was interesting.. Galavanted around the country side. Took my Gal to see her Gfolk in hospital. In Murdoch. Then to Cannington to get money out. Then to whoop whoop land to meet a boy. And what a Boy he was.. 2nd date is tomorrow.. We ran out of time to talk. We have more in common than most people I know and the same crazy sense of humour that others don’t get.

For example, it made me create my own MLIA, lame I know but I’m getting better..

~~Last Night, I went on a date with a guy. I was explaining how I vacuumed up spider webs whilst singing Ghost Busters after reading it on MLIA. He got excited and proceeded to lift up his shirt, displaying an authentic Ghost Busters belt. Second date? I think so. MLIA~~

So yeh, not getting all giddy or excited about it or anything. We shared a nice kiss. I don’t judge people often, but I do by how they kiss.  And he Kisses good, and has messaged me about a million times today. I’m not complaining. And I’m also not going to write anymore about it on here. I’ll Jinxed it. And tomorrow I’m meeting his pet sheep. Excited much?