Pain, Lies, Chaos and Hurt

I promised you a life.
A life free of fear.
You thanked me with a lie,
And filled my heart with tears.

A wall I’d built for so long,
To keep the pain at bay.
But you wedged your way inside
Then you had your way.

I wish that you could see,
How my life once was.
At least you have support,
With me, It was all alone.

Look how far I’ve come,
A career, a house, a life.
You could have that too,
Instead your life is strife.

The choice is always yours,
Stop feeding the need u desire.
It brings nothing but pain around you,
And it burns hotter than the fire.

The lessons we learn,
Are only learnt if we let them.
You avoid the truth like a haze,
The haze thats left on the stem.

I hope one day you’ll see,
How much we could have been.
Instead you’ve lost more than ever,
That chance has gone and been..

POW xx

Part two. {Written on my birthday on the 7th of May)

Part two, three, four.  However many you want to call it. It doesn’t matter anymore. Almost at the end of his game. The battle victorious from the enemies line of attack. Originally perhaps defence. But the cultivated capture and recruitment of the lost souls inhabited by the lustre of the feeling, overpower any resistance he might have once wished to attain.

He is saddened. He knows he has lost. He was dying all along, and he knows his time of end is upon the edge of what’s left of his mind. His body won’t communicate. Won’t function. Won’t co-operate. His thoughts grasp onto the hopefulness of visions consisting  of normality.

Someone is trying to save him. Not understanding why, confused and delirious as to what could possibly be the attraction, notion, meaning or motive for such nonsense.  If it were to make sense, then it couldn’t possibly be real could it? Therefore, not visioning or requesting a specific future or gainfull result, the mission continues. Selflessness acts of kindness. Amazed at the overwhelming concept of such brutality yet gratitude consisting in one being. Its like an iron bar has clad over the judgement of normality. Risking ones own life for justification that another deserves just as much as a second chance and the saviour once allowed themselves.

METH ICE ROCK GEAR KRISTY YATCH

He’s Gone

Where’d you go? I miss you so. Feels like its been forever, since you’ve been gone.

You’ll never understand how it feels to love someone who’s dying yet you can’t do anything about it. He’s killing himself. No amount of tears, cries of anger or pleads to god can stop it. Stop the pain of watching someone, someone who is so incredible, was so incredible, disintergrate themselves to nothing. No one will remember him for who he truly is. He will just be the tainted distaste you feel in your body when you think of a life wasted. When you think of the consequences. The example those after him will hope to avoid. Strung up like jesus on the cross. Do it the wrong way, and look what happens to you. The scary part of their minds knowing, that now they’ve started this path of life, they too will join him up there. Stripped of dignity, shame thrown upon loved ones, blood curdling screams in the middle of the night from mothers mourning the loss of their baby child. Blaming themselves, disassociating from life as they knew it, not sure how to move forward. Praying one day, the front door will open, and he will walk back through it… Smiling and laughing as they remember from years ago. Holding onto the memory and trying to pinpoint the time in which he died in his mind.

His black eyes, his hollow mind, his aggression and hatred. No one see’s his struggle, we only see his trouble.

Steel Bars Baby

26/04/2010 5:51:03 PM  (WST time but I am currently 37k miles in the air over the Aussie Bite.)

The darkness is behind me, the anger, the anxiety, jelousy and confidement. Confusion and power struggles. The ever winding road to remain up up and up. But what goes up must come down.
I’m on the plane to Melbourne, to start a new. My career. My life. My Goals. Myself. My aspirations. “Live the dream u want, not dream the life u want.”

I know tomorrow will be intense. And I knew this upon descending into my journey. It had to happen. I will confess about it another time. However as this page is now somewhat PG13 rated, I hesitate to announce where my pastor of thoughts and forgiveness of sins shall wait to be viewed and judge by those of lesser value in life.

I’m listening to Michael Bolton –Steel Bars. He loves it. Its his good luck song. I dread the fact I know inside me, that the promises we made during consumption of one anothers souls, will be long forgotten in his tumour damaged mind, drug habitual thirsts of desire. He will not make it past 5 weeks. He will be dead, injured or in Jail. That is my prediction.

I’ve fallen for his soul. Who he longs to be truly. But the disease of addiction has eradicated all aspects of obtaining normality beyond his realm of needs for the drug. I would love to help him more than I have. Save him. He deserves more than what he has allowed of himself. I encourage and allow him to be his own inner friend/foe. He forever makes me laugh and were he to be what is accepted as normal by society in regards to social drug use, then I would honestly give up everything to accommodate him into my life and evolve as a union of souls for however long shall fate decide.

In the words of thee who glistens in the reflection of my lost tears, “I’d marry that cunt. Straight out… Hey!”

I’m now listening to ‘Our song’.  2pac, where’d you go?. I know i’ve the ability to draw those around me I have a past life connection with. Or something along those lines.. Yet, spending almost every waking moment in the presence, hugs, thoughts, dreams, fears, self-disappointments and reality checks, I’ve fallen in love. A unique love. A unrequited love that makes no sense other then to learn and love from it. 3 weeks. An average of 4hrs sleep at a time every two days. We were one. We are one. I now understand the bond in which heath ledger played a herion addict, with his fellow muse, in the movie Candy.
His honesty, misguided empathy, natural kindness and trust are abused constantly by manipulators who see a weak point to an advantage of what they crave, and prey upon him. His soul is so sweet, he does not see this. He is vengeful and remorseful when he figures it out, but I can’t imagine the pain and confusion he must suffer every time he gets run over by these vultures. I hope in our time together, he will remember that feeling he had with me. No pressure, no judgement, no justification, nothing but the utter acceptance of his unique individuality in which I try to bestow ontowards everyone in my presence.

But I can’t save him. I know that. He is riding a very faint line of fate. Anyway he goes is doomed to be failure. At its worst cost. He has a piece of my heart, a soul mate from long ago, being punished in this life for past sins. A soul mate I am unable to reach, except along the waves of the connection between two realms only caught in miracles of moments. I would die a thousand times over not to see him hurt, in pain or confused. But it is not my destiny, not my path. Only his. And as much as I see that glimmer in his eyes, and he realises how special he truly is to some people, I have no power to help. The glimmer of light is struggling to stay alit. Faded and clouded by the selfishness of entities never interacted with the Good and greatness of life. They suck the life from him. But its not their fault. It’s the disease.  The addiction. The poision on our earth. Enjoyment for most, a deathly rollercoast for the few unfortunate.

As I held him to me today, my head resting in my place on his shoulder, his arms tightly wrapped around me, never ceasing the pressure of release; I knew it would be the last time. So, I sit here on this plane, with a million and one things to think about. Yet his story captures my vision and thoughts. Consumed with compassion and sorrow. My eyes brim, releasing an overflow of tears. For someone I knew, an amazing person even as he was when I met him. A waste of such intelligence. Such simplistic kindness. For these stories, which I sometimes wish I didn’t face, makes me hate the society, culture and expectations we preserve  on our existence. Fuck I will miss him. But as much as I am sad, angry and resentful; I will always smile when he enters my memory, smile because I got to experience such a feeling with someone. I would rather the frustration and stabbing pain in my body than not to have been able to talk about such an emotional experience I will never be involved in again. In this life anyway.

Babe- ess.. Sexy Butt.. Sweetheart.

My loyalty and faith forever resides with you. Where ever you are, I am there. Waiting for the next century in which we try again.

I love you in a way that few people know exists.

I wish I could have saved you.

Xxxx

B..

Melbourne

So I’m going to Melbourne on Monday (today is Wednesday) for FIVE whole weeks training for my new sales job. I’ve packed MOST of my clothes. went through every single piece of shit clothing I own, tried each piece on, chucked it if it didn’t fit. If it did, it got folded and put into organised clean drawers.

I’m taking two suitcases. One with clothes, on mostly empty bar a few shoes. Having never been to this city before, I have no idea what to wear or pack. I’m guessing its going to be freezing. And hopefully I can get some shopping done!!

I’m trying to import music into my new laptop to fill up my iphone and newly found old ipod touch. I have created a melbourne page to update with everything I’m doing, buying and seeing. See on the right hand side of my blog >>>>>>>>>>>>> SEE MY MELBOURNE PAGES

Its also my last two weeks of being twenty one. In two days its also what would have been Chad and I’s 4th year anniversary. It still hurts me and fills me with pain everytime I think of him. Which is everyday. But its an ache that I know will slowly fade, but forever be felt in my heart till I die.

Time to update my Melbzpage with where I am staying.

Peace out.

Me xoxo

I will put anything in me to change how I feel

She hasn’t realised it yet. But she’s addicted. Her heart rushes her blood when she realises she is letting her thoughts take over and guide her into sneaky clever plans to get more. It makes her conniving. She’s suffered an addiction before. Another life time ago. An addiction of what, now and then?

She hasn’t realised she’s addicted yet because its not noticeable. She’s always been kooky, unconsistent and random. She always has the means to provide for the things that matter. At the moment her life is catergorised into compartments. All neat and tidy. Switching from one face to another. Her flatmate stands beside her, asking her if she is coming down. He says this as he shuts the window she just ordered him to close. He tells her not to touch the lamp. He has a bit of leaf drying. He doesn’t buy real weed. Sometimes leaf. Sometimes the best. A cone here and there can’t hurt. But if only they knew one of the secret lives she keeps.

She hasn’t slept deeply in over 72 hours. .. Well sleep covered in the ever alert alarm of threats that may present. The ever visit of friends who come over despite the fact she’ll been AWOL for quite a few days now. Today was the sixth day for her to be surprised. She’s never been this kind of person before yet there she stood, on the platform of the edge. An experience to understand, a backwards step, a chapter to write about. For now she resides into the sanctuary of her own. Only twenty minutes before the presence in which she confuses her mind over, will arrive with dillusions and black holes of tempt and fun. She didn’t want the feeling to end. She needed to find a way… A way to stay high…

Decipher it

Back into my life.

Its early March. No doubt i have missed many siblings and friends birthdays already. But this year alone I have already gone through two boyfriends. One of whom was a specimen so fine for his mind, and also is body for his age. I can now albiet with some hesitation, write and know about the experience of being with an older man. It started with passion, excitement and experience *Insert Wink here* and ended with the realisation, despite my age, I am more settled in life than some of those who should be role models. Needless to say, I cut the ties and ceased all contact. Last thing I need in my life is an unstable crabby man who thinks he knows it all. Despite that, he was very kind and nice. I wish him well in life.

Next was a cross of worlds, of sorts per say. Simple minded which reminded me to no end of dear G whom I dated for 2 years and shared a miscarriage with. Country, waterlover and mechanically sound which reminded me of dear C whom I dated for over 3 years and still share a dog with.  This mix combined, I thought I was in heaven. But despite our first date lasting over several days, and having been communicating for a month or so prior, I had my reservations. As I posted during our first date, if something seems too good to be true, then it probably is. And it was. No to sooner did his impeccable charm start to deteriate with his absence of being able to remember which lie he had told about what, and when (A trait G suffered callously for). Add that to the some what quick witted remarks and picking up on my said stories to throw back against me (A trait C had down to a pat). After a week or so, I realised once again, the love gods had given me a mortal soul, to try to fix, mend, heal and pull back from the depths of depression, only to send in into the arms of someone requiring a pre-trained man/child.

I remained focused to remain as one for the remainder of the year. My life is complicated and eventful enough, without the need to add in confusion, male slang understanding and the effort to justify my every whim, movement or thought.

Then by chance, I came face to face, with one person whom I knew compelled me into a state of superior thought, fantasies, stories and relaxation.  this he unwillingly commanded my body and mind to react that way, for four years earlier almost to the day, I had found myself suffocate by the unrest of not truly understanding the meaning of powers combined. And for that reason, one afternoon, I left without a word. No trace, no contact, no looking back. And yet here he is, face to face with me, questioning my motives, guessing my next move.

**Well I just wrote an entire extra chapter on said D, however, powers unbeknown to me, removed it from site and finding it is proving to be impossible. Thus said, I am taking this as a sign from the powers that be, that this is a no go, no return zone and I must now find a way to resolve this ammicably**

Open

The Night is young
& full of rest
I can’t describe
the way she’s dress’d
She’ll pander to some strange
requests
Anything that you suggest
Anything to please her guest

***********************

The theme album to my life this year, thus far, is The Doors. Best of Collection. I grew up listening to it. And in someway, hearing the chords of voice and music played, takes me to a place I imagine would be like, if I were to live as that of an ancient queen, or more suited, a firewarmth rug in a snowed in cottage, awaiting the sounds of lovers returned from the war. I was meant to be in the country.. To live, feel, breathe the dust and dirt. Face the chills of cooler months, the isolation from the world. But alas, I am thrust into this unforgiving world as one who is skilled in the depths of forward social growth. AKA technology. Try as I might, I will never be able to escape. To I give in and resolve my life to the education of my own and nourishment of the ignorance of others within this cause? Or do I give up, and follow my soul.. Etched in front of me, a spiral I sometimes see, a portal convincing me to follow it, never knowing where it ends. I do not know, I will never know.