Random Guy

I applied for two new jobs today. Updated my 7 page resume, 2 page cover letter and 10 page example of writings (required for the moderator job).

The moderator job means I get to work from home! How much fun, doing what I do everyday anyway. The other one is in Canada. Just to put my toes in the water.. Test it a little. Truth is if I want to go work overseas, a company needs to sponsor me first. Its not like Europe where I can just jetset over and get a job willy-nilly.

I also contact the real-estate. I haven’t had hot water or water pressure all weekend. I was worried about contacting them due to the lease being expired. Turns out I’m fine until next month and they would like me to keep living there. Must Sort Out Spare Room. Or get out and escape the memories.

Had a random phone conversation last night. Some guy had gotten my number from someone after seeing me at the pub in pink fishnets and thought I was pretty hot (his words not mine). I don’t see how considering I was a complete mess having a nervous breakdown on the toilet floor tiles with a paper bag pressed to my mouth. But then again I did get guys ask me for my number still.

Anyway, the conversation starts with me calling him weird for calling a random girls number. I said I don’t associate with strangers and please don’t call again. Turns out he is a local, we have the same friends in common. I asked why I hadn’t seen him there before (not that I know what he looks like anyway). He said I only went there when I wanted, not when he wanted me to. As I said. Weird. Anyway, after a 50 minute phone conversation to a complete stranger, meeting up for a brief beer this arvo before my plans kick in. Clean. House. Clean. House. Clean. House.

Borrowed Poems

Forget me yes

I curse the day I fell in love…
Cause since that day
I’ve been so sad…
I didn’t know how far I was…
How far I was…
From what I thought…
You killed my soul…
You destroyed me all…
You broke my heart…
And split my blood…
I couldn’t fly
My wings were torn…
I was in jail
I couldn’t scape…
You killed my heart.. myself…my life…
Give it back to me… and go away…

Thankyou to Highart777

Dido – Slide

Even on a day like this
When you’re crawling on the floor
Reaching for the phone to ring anyone who knows you anymore.
It’s alright to make mistakes
You’re only human
Inside everybody’s hiding something.
Staring at the same four walls
Have you tried to help yourself
The rings around your eyes
They don’t hide that you need to get some rest
Take time to catch your breath and choose your moment

Don’t slide

Even at a time like this
When the morning seems so far
Think that pain belongs to you but it’s happened to us all
You brought this on yourself
And it’s high time you left it there
Lie here and rest your head
And dream of something else instead

Headache

I sit here with a throbbing pain in my head. Drifting its way down my body like blood red waves washing up against a rocky coast. I feel sick like a shaken milkshake. I swear i’m pregnant. But nothing will prove it.

I had a dream, that the events of last night turned out differently. He asked why I stopped directing posts to him. He looked sadden.

In reality you waltzed into my safe haven of friends. Muddied it with ur charming stance. Not daring to look my way, and when you did. I made sure all you could see was happieness and laughter escaping my face. It didn’t change anything. I got looks and words of dreaded sympathy. A few wanted to smash ur head in for coming to such a place. You felt unwelcome, your place where you normally pride yourself was gone. You were banished to the other side. Few came to talk to u. Some went to keep u company. You are no longer welcome. If you ever come back, ur tyres will be slashed, ur lights smashed, ur sweet innocent grin cut from ur face with the jaggerred edge of ur mirrors.

Now I’m waiting for him to come collect the dog. I even messaged civilly asking so.. If u don’t reply by the time the hand swings past the next mention of an hour, you will not be able to take her.

I need help. Yes in my brain and body, but in this house. Iwant to rid it of ur furniture, ur belongings, ur essence. I am too frail to accomplish such a task. My mind is wavering along the highway of giving up. Sleeps tormented with countless smiles from u. then ripped apart with fire bursting from the centre. I have lost my innocence. I will never be as sweet, loving,caring or giving within a relationship. I am tainted, stale of the stench, a broken wish bone. Mendable only to a certain extent, whilst the scarring evidence of my cracked fortay is visable for all to see.

I want to rid my life of everything. Everything in it..Sometimes I think friends too.I have the skills to make new ones. It would be so much easier. Maybe I dont want to make new ones. Maybe I just don’t want to be here  anymore. I can’t deal with this rollercoaster of life.. The intense ups and the incredablydefying lows. I am spent. Wasted. Giving up. Well not giving up. I have tried my hardest.

I had three nice men ask for my number throughout last night. Right in front of him too. Oh self confidence, how you rise at the most unexplainable times. Where are u when I need you today? In my phone. The calls and texts from many unknown. Willing me to look good, speak well and be funny. Maybe I’m oozing charm. The opportunities are endless. But on a miserable day where I can’t see through the rain, I would like to sit in ones arms, talk about life. I’ve never had that before. Even with the devil, he would never allow me such comfort. My tears were never wiped away, my smiles never embraced and my views never challenged nor agreed upon. I wasted three years. I badly want it back. Not with him, but those years. The most youthfull years of my life. Gone to an unappreciative waste of space. Forgotten like an unmarked grave. lost like the wick of a burnt out candle. Impossible to retrace.

I am trapped in a life I neither want and can’t escape. Maybe I can.

I hate you

I hate you for the person you have turned me into.

I will forever be ruined for nice men in the future.

I get to see you briefly tonight. And i wish I could murder u and torture u. But then you wouldn’t spend the rest of ur life wanting me back like I know you will.

The Past – Borderline Personality Disorder

 

When I was 14, I worked in a Pizza Shop. I met this really cool chick. She was older, a delivery driver.  Crazy long hair, loud and colourful voice, fiery nature and what she lacked in stature, she made up for with an overbearing personality.
She took me to a concert. Picked me up from my mums and gave me a joint in the carpark of the concert. She was cool.

 When I  was 15, I got kicked out of a house I was staying at again. I had been living on a mattress on a bare concrete floor. So I went to live with her for a few months. She had a beautiful 3 year old daughter who didn’t talk. She would be locked in her bedroom for most of the day and night with a hockey strap tied between the girls’ bedroom door handle and the bathroom door handle. The little girl is now autistic from what I’ve heard.

 I would sit and paint with the little girl, and watch shows with her and sing to her and read to her. When I would come home from school she would wrap her arms around me and point at the books. She never got any attention from my friend

 My friend had BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn’t know until I came home from spending a week in the psyche hospital after trying to harm myself on a bedroom door. I showed her my diagnoses. She showed me hers too. We had the same illness.

 I would watch her be a beautiful carefree woman with all the love in the world for her boyfriend of three years and gorgeous daughter (in front of people that was). To a maniac psycho who would throw everything she could at the ones she loved, smash down walls and doors like some kind of super human with her petite tiny frame. She would become malicious and invite different men over each night after a fight with her boyfriend whom she would kick out for the night. Her boyfriend loved her so much. I would come home to see the house destroyed and him crying to himself at the table. He was much too good for this.

 The nights she screamed, the neighbours smiled at me with sympathy. I would take the little girl and walk her all the way to the river to feed the ducks. We would pretend we were fairies one night, or swan princesses, or simply grown up people not fighting. When I couldn’t hear the yelling travelling along the wind anymore, I would walk her home in my arms and tuck her into bed.

 In one week, my friend lost her boyfriend, her daughter, me, her best friend and her other lover who killed himself. I’ve never seen her again.

 Watching her made me never want to be that person. Never put people I love through so much hell. I was never going to be as sick as she was. And I haven’t been sick like that since. I went to intense 3x a week group therapy sessions that trained my brain to think different. I stopped going after a year or so. I was better. I kept getting hand written letters from my psychs and the hospital. I want to do that course again now. Retraining the brain cloud patterns.

The Chef -Fight

I caused a fight with the Chef the other day. Due to my own insecurities. It felt good though once it was sorted out the next day. He talks to me like I’m the most important thing in the world. We can both be completely upfront and honest with each other about what we both want. Which is not a relationship on my behalf. Now we can move forward with our friendship. He cooked me frozen lunches again J

 He gave me a book on how to read body language.
He’s moving to Rockingham next week. I won’t see him much then. If at all. M knows how much I hate to drive that far. But I drove far to work today. It was great. I got to sing Dido at the top of my lungs. Now I can’t stop singing. I sing a lot these days. Must mean I’m happy. My work mates aren’t liking it. They say they are going to start wearing ear muffs.

 I got told last night I have Eva Longoria’s eyebrows and Jennifer Anniston’s eyes. I told the Chef via text and he wrote back saying “And a Soul to die for”  *tear*

 He is taking me to the Gold Class cinema’s tonight. I feel like a queen. I have split everything 50/50 in regards to money so far. I like to pay my own way. However he invited me, so I’m not going to offer to pay for dinner. Might seem rude, but he was rude by checking his bank balance on speaker phone which announced he had $10K + in his normal account. Show off. He can pay.

 That’s all about the Chef. No more updates. I’m pissed off there’s not enough time in my life to talk with him about all the things we never have time to keep talking about. I could talk forever. He talks more than me. Strange.

 PS: I’m sorry for being so nasty to him.
Wine + Me + PMS = Total Bitch

 

Blind ‘Hang out’

So.. I went on a date. A blind date. Well actually no, it wasn’t a date. I made that clear. It was a chance to make a new friend. We called it a ‘hangout’.

It involved two pints of beer and three games of pool. Two of which I won by default. Fuck I suck big time at playing pool. You think I would have gotten better after playing it every week for 2.5 years. But no, I suck. But it’s a good ice-breaker anyway. Both laughing at my stumbling ability to aim correctly. My squeals of delight if I got a fluke.

He was charming and funny. Someone I could definitely have as a friend.

Although the main topic of our conversation was mutual acquaintance we share. I work with her, he knows her. He called her weird. I made the mistake of asking why. He told me: He fucked her and she kept screaming out her ex-boyfriends name. Weird indeed.

He wanted me to stay, but I had places I needed to go to. We shared a lingering kiss on the cheek. He wants to see me again. I promptly reminded him both our intentions were to ‘hang out’ only. Friends only. Not friends with benefits (although he is so sweet I’m sure this thought would never have crossed his mind as it did mine) and the looks? Well damn. Where has he been hiding? Oh, the mines, that’s right.

I have agreed to show him some sites of Perth upon his next visit home. Any ideas?

Things I love in life..

• The way my dog greets me eagerly when I get home from work.
• The way she looks at me when I talk to her about my day like she totally understands me.
• How she tries to get as close to me as possible every second I’m with her.
• How dressing in new clothes that actually fit and are well presented; opens up many doors for people to talk to me who normally wouldn’t and being treated with professional and social respect.
• The fact I’m losing weight. I never understood why people lose weight when they become single. Now I do, I’m so busy I forget to eat. I’m so happy with life I don’t feel the need for food to nurture me as I sit on the couch day after day (The couch misses me sorely I think)
• The amount of unique, spunky and intelligent men there are. Have I had my eyes closed or what? Different ages and backgrounds, stories and personalities. It’s so much fun getting to make new friends without any pre-judgment or fear of repercussions.
• Letting the real me shine and people noticing it.
• Having every single night full of events which involve other people. Dinner with friends, drinks at new pubs with strangers in person yet known electronically, movies with old friends, long phone calls with people I haven’t had time to call whist driving to have dinner somewhere or randomly pop in to see a friend.
• The ability to now wear high heeled shoes which change to match my outfits without any pain. (Yes, I believe I am developing a new fashion sense)
• The smell drifting down the street of warm cozy house fires.
• The laughter that bursts out of me when sharing jokes with friends.
• Having men check out my butt, give them a cheeky wink and then disappear from their lives to leave them with a little happiness to remember for the day.
• Having so many people call me whom I haven’t heard from in ages, some years..
• People demanding my attention and time. I love it. And I wish I had time to catch up with all my friends. I make time for them now. It feels great.
• Feeling so relaxed within every inch of my body and soul. Relaxed. Relaxed. Relaxed. I never stop smiling now. And It’s because I am all by myself. I love it.

 

Mark Ronson

“Only One I Know”
(feat. Robbie Williams)

The only one I know, has come to take me away
The only one I know, is mine when she stitches me
Everyone has been burned before, everybody knows the pain
The only one I see, has found an aching in me
The only one I see, has turned her tongue into me
The only one I know, never cries, never open her eyes
The only one I know, wide awake and then shes away
The only one I see, is mine when she walks down our street
The only one I see, has carved her way in to me

“Stop Me”
(feat. Daniel Merriweather)

Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you’ve
Heard this one before
Nothing’s changed
I still love you, oh, I still love you
…Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love
Who said I’d lied because I never ? I never !
Oh, so I drank one
It became four
And when I fell on the floor …
…I drank more
Nothing’s changed
I still love you, oh, I still love you
…Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love
Set free me why don’t you
get out my life why don’t you
Cause you don’t really love me, no
You just keep my hanging on

“Amy”
(feat. Kenna)

I don’t know why I let go
I want to be your friend
Flowers grow through my window and I love you again
Oh I love you oh
When you laid me down into your beautiful garden
Flowers in the love of my arms
Its God shining through to me I guess
Do you still love me
I go to the places where we used to
I feel sad
I am out here looking for you
Sometimes I pretend
Oh I miss you oh
Is God playing evil tricks on me?

Staring at a ladybug resting on my face..

Sunday Bloody Sunday.

I don’t know why I chose to start this blog with the pretence that I had just become single. Fact is we really did break up last year. I’ve been living in my own separate room for most of the time I’ve lived in this house. And that was a year last week. The last time I remember I was allowed the privilege of ‘pleasure’ with him was Christmas morning. Although I wouldn’t really consider 4 seconds ‘Pleasure’ for me. I chose to write this blog because he finally decided to move out. I had packed his stuff and bags and placed it in his ute many times this year. But he said it was easier to still live together, just not be together. I spose when he finally listened to me and moved out I had more time on my hands. Time to allow me to discover myself. I wasn’t spending time cleaning (although I should probably start doing that again with the state of my house), cooking for him and spending all my time taking care of him. Even though we weren’t together, I was nice about it, I felt bad I had kicked him and he had nowhere to go. I felt it was the least I could do, take care of him. Thank god I don’t need to anymore. I am starting to take care of myself..

Starting with food. I had breakfast prepared by the Chef. It was healthy. Oats with protein powder and fruit (berries). I couldn’t even eat it all. He said If I ate the energy food in the morning, at medium size at lunch and small amount at dinner, I would see the results shortly. I can already see them, although it’s from the fact I’ve been so busy the past few weeks and I’ve been burning my energy with the chef the past weeks via intense talking.. But I don’t know what to do about the Chef. He is so sweet. He cooked and packed up lunches for me to last two days. I could see myself falling very easy. Time to pull in the reins. I don’t want a relationship again. I don’t think I want one ever again in my life. Once bitten, forever shy. And the Chef is 25 and has never had a ‘girlfriend’. That fact alone scares me. I am so sick of being the ‘first’ serious relationship. Training them to become perfect for the next one. Giving them the experience and skills to be able to handle a relationship for real the next time. My exes have or are close to being married after me. Some even have kids. I have even been thanked by some of their gf’s/wives. For making their men perfect. Not in a mocking bad way or anything. But in a genuine way. I want to find someone who’s been trained already. It’s not fair.

I am at home. Relaxing with my dog.
I had my 4^th date with the Chef, and although wonderful. I am left unsatisfied due to my own shyness. I would call him now and tell him, yes I want to spend the night with him. But I won’t. I wish I would. But I can’t.

I thought I wanted the attention of many a man. But I have all week with only one. And now I don’t want any. I feel I am too good. I feel I will never be appreciated by the kind of people I want, and I will forever spend my life trying to please others who will never put in the same effort as me. Even friends.

I want to know the meaning of life.
So I am going to look it up in the dictionary.