Day Three

Today wasn’t harder or easier being without u.

I decided to start a blog, so in 21 days i can look at it and laugh at how stupid i was to be hurt by someone like you.

The dog isn’t happy tonight. I decided to finally come home. I was scared because I knew it would be without you. But the dog has been alone for days and I don’t know if you fed her on the times u snuck back to collect things. So i fed her tonight and she is going to sleep with me tonight. She is so stressed. When I go out for a smoke, she runs down the street trying to sniff ur trace. But u never existed.

I know you haven’t been here. Your fish are starving. or they just missed me and wanted to show their sympathy. either way, i never knew what or how u fed them. I know u have a really cool noisy way of doing it. But I can’t bring myself to touch something u have. Or my evil side is hoping they will die. and u will come home (when you decide to) – to a tank full of mouldy stinking fish.

I feel more resentment and hate towards u today. I know ur waiting for me to fuck up and do something stupid so u can laugh and say ’see’.. but i won’t give u that satisfaction. You will never be able to satisfy a reason why u left. You agreed with a nod with ur head in ur hands when I said at least I would be able to walk away from this knowing I did everything to try. Try for us. For what we had. Before tammy and the episode with ur parents. Before we knew how to live without eachother.

I know ur having fun with girls with names like Thalia. I have eyes and ears everywhere. I don’t seek them but information comes without effort. You forget we know alot of the same people throughout every stage of our lives without ever knowing eachother.

Day one i was inconsolable. Desperate. but not enough to call or sms u. I started smoking spliffs that morning. And drinking Rum at 9am. But you had good timing. The start of my week long holiday. The week I offered to pay for u to fly to Broome with me cuz I knew how much you loved it up there. And how we had sore cheeks for a week from all the smiling and laughing we did. But. i need to stop thinking about those times.

I’ve offered wondered how my best friend got through such times. I wasn’t much used to her, having never been a member of the dumped and heartbroken group before. But she finely told me how she did it. I need to think of all the things you fucked up, and the ashole things you did and all the bad stuff. So then all i have left to feel towards you emotionally is hate and resentment.

I spent the day with your mum today. it’s weird. She said its the mcdonald curse. I’m lucky i don’t have kids involved. She said this on the weekend when i was with her, the night before you had the guts to become a man.

I hope in 21 days I look back on this.. And laugh.. laugh at the stupidity of me, you, everything. You are an asshole.

I dream about u everynight. The first night we had a 5 yr old boy and it was alot harder to break up. The second night we argued about the dvds, and u snapped them all in front of me.

Last night I dreamt we got married. and on the honeymoon I caught u with another woman.

Kinda makes me realise what i’m going through is nothing to what some poor people must have to. I hope in the near future when I dream of u, i wake up thankful it was just a dream and ur not still in my life. I hope u dream of me in the most sexual beautiful way. and i hope that when u do, and u decide to call me, i will laugh in ur face.

I blocked my car sidewards in the driveway today. In the hope not that I wont hear if u pull in. in the hope that the dog won’t. She sleeps next to me as i write this, and shes crying and moaning in her sleep and shaking. I thinking she is dreaming of you too. That you never come back. I hope she’s not hurting as much as me.

Goodnight. I hope you have a bad night.

Becky.

PS: I hate you