Night Terrors

Ok, so after a brief google search, It appears I need help.

My waking up everymorning crying? Night Terrors.

Who am I dreaming of everytime this happens? Him in some way or another,
I can NEVER recall the dream I’m having.

Not very cool to wake up crying next to ur  new part time boyfriend and unable to explain why.

Night terrors are different from nightmares because in a way they carry into the real world, you practically feel like you’re still in a dream. If this is something that happened once then for now you really don’t have to worry about it because everyone will have night terrors every once in a while (I do whenever I’m sick with a cold). Chances are it was brought on by something stressful in your life at the moment like a tough/hectic schedule or a difficult relationship. If it continues to happen, whether it’s crying and hearing a whistle or by other means that just don’t seem normal like waking up screaming or having constant nightmares, then you really should go talk to your doctor about it. Sleep specialists are everywhere these days and I guarantee that they would be very caring and will do a very good job and finding the problem.
So basically, once isn’t much to think about but if it persists then don’t be afraid to talk to a doctor about it. We all have our fears and sometimes they can get under our skin, so even though it doesn’t seem “normal”, alot of people will go through it if too many things pile up.

Oh But wait, Theres more, godbless Wikipedia

I’m Back

So I’m back in the land of online fufillment. I wanted my return post to be happy, filled with love and joy and happiness.. Truth is, I wish I was back where I was this time last week. In my sanctuary, where I am as important as the other, Where the outside world can not filter through its sheilds of protection. Laughter, love and comfort are all that is required. Warmth, novels, sleep, pain killers, kisses, strokes of affection, now I mss it all.

I’ve come home to an emptiness. The pain resides deep within me, and aches through my fresh wounds. The operation went well, only just over an hour. The pain never ceases though. I went today and got my stitches out. My blood doesnt clot well enough so i need this dry-root stuff. Horrible tasting. It acts as a false blood clot.

I’ve also most likely lost my job. I swore at my boss over the phone. He accused me of something he was misinformed of. So I swore. I broke my final promise with my employer, I’m trying to get a transfer elsewhere as quick as I can. I want to fade away. Run away with no one in particular, but run away with myself.

I have self doubts over who I am, where I am going.
I’m falling but not sure where to. All around me, the paths I create, crumble with each step I take.
Sideswipe remarks and absent voices.

I don’t want any pain anymore, inside or outside.

Oh well, back to my soup, just thought I would do an update…

PS: I’m still waking up at 4am crying, and it’s waking others up.. Can anyone tell me why I’m doing this?

Quiz

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4.
“Administrators can further customize the notifcations by specifying”

 2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can & catch air?
Its stale Air!!

 3. What is the last thing you watched on T. V.?
Paid attention to: Packed to the rafters
Had in the background: All Saints

 4. Without looking, guess what time it is?
5.32 pm

 5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
5.30pm

 6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Microsoft Nerds talk about google voice search.

 7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Lighting up a ciggarette

 8. Before you started this Q&As, what did you look at?
I was reading blogs.

 9. What are you wearing?
Kneed high leather booths, knee high back sway skirt, purple satin top with a black sprawl.

 10. When did you last laugh?
Today when someone mentions my attempt at cooking brownies it like eating bricks. 

11. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Computer Screens and Exit Signs. 

12. Seen anything weird lately?
A Man with a pointy beanie that went like a metre above his head. 

13. What do you think of this quiz?
It is TIME PASS

 14. What is the last film you saw?
The Ugly Truth

 15. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Everybook in the world..

 16. Tell me something about you that nobody knows?
I daydream.. A lot.. but it doesn’t look like I am, but I am constantly running another universe inside my head.

 17. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Regret

 18. Do you like to Dance?
When no one is watching..

 19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Makkedde 

20. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
no clue.. thats the mans choice.. 

21. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Definitely!

 22. What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
See I told you, it is always worth the wait.

Quiet Weekend filled with 4am Tears…

I’m geting a little concerned. Four nights out of the past six I have awoken at 4am crying my eyes out. Crying so much it wakes me from my slumber and fills me in reality with fear, dread, sadness and pain. Yet I have no idea why. It doesn’t matter who is beside me as I wake (not that they’re sensitive enough to hear my troubles and wake them also).

I had a quiet weekend this time around. Apart from the fact i am broke and spent a fair amount of my pay on the massiveness of last weekend. Friday night, I snuggled on the couch, in the comfort and quiet of my lounge, with the heater on, a blanket covering me, a good book in one had, wine in the other and the dog at my feet. It was glorious. Although I think I did get rather totalled. Getting drunk on ur own is so much fun. Then I had a delivery, one of the best in years, and one minute later I was alone and arguing with the characters in my book aloud. I closed my lids at 2am, and awoke up midday yesterday to find I had finished the book yet had no recollection of it. Good days..

Last night was much the same, the Sailor came, we ordered idian, we watched movies on the couch till he fell asleep. I preceded to take photos of him, and then photos of my boobs, which I do alot. Just no nipple showing, i have discovered hot pink and black lace across the touch of my skin, compliments well together.

I learnt this week, no matter that you cook Italian sausages with visitors once a year for the past thirty years, you could still start a fire. As told to me by my glorious Egyption Fireman. We met in the most randomness of way, well we met technologically for a week or so, before we felt comfortable enough to meet in person. Two pints and Baileys on rock later, and we had the most laughable of conversations, we kissed fairwell. He would be much to perfect to be friends with at this point in time. He would be someone you want to take home to your parents for more than just a friend. Ahh the joys of finding people at the wrong time. Still, he sends me pictures of him in his uniform in front the truck. thats enough material right there to last a few weeks.

I learnt my ‘conversation starter piece of artwork’ i hold with dear respect in my house in more than just a conversation starter. It the catalyst for the eyes in viewing the true most amazing piece of artwork in the world. The body an American Underwear model (yes i fucking said MODEL)/ baseball couch from Texas. Turns out he has the last supper tattoo across his entire soft golden shoulder blades.  I also met him for the first time the same place I met the fireman, and the same place a few days prior I had taken my Dancer Boi to discontinue our relations. I think the staff are starting to recognise me. I sit at the same table, order the same meals/drinks, yet am accompanied by different suitors all of whom pay.

Who said being poor could be so much fun. Back to the texan, words can’t describe his beautiful features nor can any such camera capture the beautiful amazement of such an immortal creature standing topless in my kitchen. When I first saw him, my body stopped breathing, my knees buckled, surely this could not be him, and then he spoke, with his drawl, then i melted. Im pretty sure I passed out to be honest. And alasEdit Post ‹ Being 21 Years Old — WordPress, 48 hrs later he flew back to America. The world works in perfect ways. I love it! I love everything about life, and the things I don’t love as much, I accept, for everything makes us who we are.

So thats my week summed up midly backwards.  I’ve had enough of staying in for quiet nights now. Tonight was to be the third in a row, my friend put the back of their hands to my forehead, am I feeling sick? You’re staying in again?? ~ But tonight, my gal and G and I have decided to have a party at ours, not a party, a sunday sesh, filled with alcohol and relaxing stubstancs (all legal of course, vallum, diazapan, forte) and as people meander about our suburb on a Sunday afternoon, they shall stop for a chat, perhaps some food, provide some laughter, share stores of the weekend, then leave again, never staying more than an hour. I love Sundays. I shall not be as messy as last Sunday though, despite the fact I dont work till after 9am tomorrow, no, I shall simple take my time, cook with the slow cooker, bake some sweets, drink a mixture of beer and wine, vodka shots and bold statements.

More Weird Dreams

Dreams I had last night. 

• I was at a pub wearing socks and no shoes. I went to pee and the toilet floor was covered in sticky pee and I got stuck and had to grab onto the toilet in the cubicle to get myself out.
• I was in bed with someone (no idea who) and they gave me shit for wearing socks to bed and said ‘What are you? An American school girl?’
• I was in a house fire and I was crawling along the floor under the smoke to try to save my photo albums. Then Silver came in and dragged me outside.
• I was Magical and lived with a very rich and powerful couple. I was surrogate for their twin babies who could talk as newborns and predicted the end of the world for all but their family. The government then stole the babies but they teleported back to us.. The couple and I had to use very evil magic to protect all 5 of us, but in the end they committed suicide and hung the babies from the chandelier in the main hall of their mansion, and I found them.
• I was with a work mate, in a tiny apartment in New York trying on Medieval Dresses which took all day to put on, then all night to take off and we had to sleep there for two nights just to try on two dresses. It was exhausting.
• I took my brother to his first concert.
• I got married and my groom died of a heart attack at the altar. I woke up covered in sweat like never before and was balling my eyes out.. I hugged the pillow and felt it was wet from tears, I sat up in bed and realised I was sleep crying. Intense is all I can say.

 There were many more scary short dreams throughout the night. But I can’t remember them anymore. I think it’s my anti-depressants giving them to me. It’s started since I stopped smoking again..

 Weird. Weird. Weird.

My Crazy Weekend

It all started with my RDO last week. Being as stressed as I could be about my job, I awoke to a call from.. mmm.. What should I call him on here? What does he remind me of? Ahhh.. Darlene.. Because he pretends to be her and says ‘Shutup Becky!’ all the time. So anyway, he called in the morning, bought me McDonalds for Breakfast and got a bit baked whilst nestled in the lounge. Then we dropped my Gal off at the traino. Then we drove around everywhere!! All morning, getting money, meeting people, buying stuff, following dodgy cars down empty lanes, exchanging goods.After all he is an Ozzie post courier so perhaps my description is somewhat over exaggerated. All by 11am!! Then we rested.. as much as one can rest in that state of mind.

We watched porn, drank beer, debated over etiquette of tuning via text. We share a purely platonic friendship, to the point where we can share the same bed, feeling undeniably comfortable knowing the other one isn’t going to fuck up and ruin the friendship. So anyway, I tried explaining he is worth more than the 20yr old piece of trash with a baby he was trying to tune. Now I’m not being judgemental, but the little bitch told him, she was to find someone rich to support her and her baby, so unless he started earning lots of money, she wouldn’t go on a date with him. Poor dude. Stupid slut, her loss.

Needless to say, sleep was minimal that evening. By the time the evening came. Work flew by on Friday. Then it was get ready for a girls night for #2 Gals Birthday. There was about 7 of us.. Started at the Inglewood, already had a few wines, left my car at the local. Had some shots, three I think and sculled a pint. Caught a taxi with G to the queens, met everyone there, had 2 more shots, bourbon IN beer (Grosses thing in the world, feel sick thinking about it). *Some chick hit on me at the bar, we kissed briefly, I grabbed her ass, she asked for my number. Another guy came up and asked if he could join.

Caught another taxi with the gaggle of us spread out between 3 taxis. Now from this point forward I don’t remember much. So anything with an ‘*’ symbol means I have been told I did it, or it happened etc. you get the picture.

*There was a crime scene set up. Fresh with tape still unravelling, men in white cloud shoes, guns everywhere and blurry flashes from all the light. I needed to get through to the street on the other side. I begged the cop- ‘It’s not that far, please let me cross’. Then I attempted to cross it myself. Bad idea. I yelled out someone had died. Everyone stared at me. I shouted it’s true! Why else would there be a crime scene this big. Turns out someone got stabbed.. Nothing new really for Perth.

I remember dancing seductively at the shed. With a fence I think. Not to sure. It was just me and G. *Two guys came up to her. Annoyed her. I asked if she wanted me to get rid of them. She did. I told them we were married. They didn’t believe us. We made out. They still didn’t believe us. We made out some more then left to locate the rest of the party.

I started getting tetchy, as I can after a deathly amount to drink. I’m surprised my liver didn’t pack up and cark it hours before. Needless to say, I caught a taxi home with G. I threatened ‘DB’ and he promptly drove over at 2am. To listen to me babble (thanks red bull) till 6am about my philosophies on monogamy, life, death etc. None of which I remember. He thinks it’s funny every time we hang out, I don’t remember a thing. He’s only really ever seen me smashed the past month or so, after I became an alcoholic! Bahahahah..

I peeled back my eyelids at 4pm on Saturday. Surely the colour of the sky meant it was still early morning. Nope. I missed the entire day of sunshine. Sleeping in a bed surrounded my empty bottles, shot glasses, cigarettes – all the ingredients to ensure a restful sleep. DB was still there, we had organised to catch up Sat night anyway, about 4 weeks ago we planned it. It was going to be a LONG night.. He took me out for breakfast. Smoked salmon on poached eggs with Hollandaise sauce. And a Vodka/Orange Juice. Ordering breakfast at 5pm on a Saturday, and they say heaven doesn’t exist.

That night, some strange things happened to us. We clocked up about 200km on my car. Spent about $500 odd dollars. Sung songs very loud. And:

• 6 Hummer Limousines
• 3 Chrysler Limousines
• 1 Booze Bus
• 1 Attempt to be pulled over.
• Ran one red light.
• Prank called people while Driving
• Heard from the most random people I was stoked to hear from.

Then it was more Booze at home, catch-up with G again. Drunk till I passed out at 3am..  Woke up 2pm Sunday. Cooked a massive breakfast for the three of us. Dropped DB off. Then G and I started to get ready for the Sunday Sesh.. phew.. party party party. My Gal came home from her new mans to come out, and another young chickee babe came over to be our driver there. Four Girls, all dressed up, mostly still drunk, looking Fab Fab Fab. Oh the ex even came over to drop the dog off, and it was hard to see how impressed he was with my new look. We knew we looked hot.

It paid off, after drinking ‘Ray Charles’ – which are the death of all drinkers, I did get asked for my number twice, Got a massage, paid $15 for a burger, stumbled into a cab, passed out in the cab, and woke up in my driveway to the taxi man on my side of the car trying to wake me up. BUT!! I was in bed by 10.30. It was a work night, and 4 Solid Days of non stop partying does wear your body down.

2am. My Gal came running into my room, jumped on top of me. She had hooked up, went to the Casino, stashed $150 worth of chips in her handbag, bought the guy home, then G called, the girls were still partying, My Gal kicked the boy out, called a cab and let me get back to sleep.

5am. My Gal and G arrive home. With two boys in tow. And Noise. And laughter. I screamed till my voice hurt. Screamed to shut the fuck up. Screamed to piss off. An hour and a half later my alarm went off. I hadn’t been able to get back to sleep, I did the countdown trying to guess when the noise would break the silence through the air. Then I got the biggest pot I could find, a nice solid metal spoon, and proceeded to bang them together with such force, I still have a ringing in my ear. Paybacks a Bitch. Then I went to work. And Now I’m very broke.

Rearranged

 

Lately I’ve been skeptical
Silent when I would used to speak
Distant from all around me
Who witnessed me fail and become weak
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I’d love to be the one to disappoint you when I don’t fall down

But you don’t understand when I’m attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I’ll remember when I’m letting go of
You and me we’re through
A rearranged

It seems that you’re not satisfied
Too much on your mind
So you leave and I can’t believe all the bullshit that I find
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I’d love to be the one to disappoint you when I don’t fall down

But you don’t understand when I’m attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I’ll remember when I’m letting go of
You and me we’re through
And rearranged
You and me we’re through
A rearranged

You’re no good
For me
Thank God its over

You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you’re cryin’
You make believe
That life is so long until you’re dyin’
You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you’re cryin’
Cryin’ on me
You make believe
That life is so long until you’re dyin’
Dyin’ on me!

You think everybody’s the same
I don’t think that anybody’s like you
(You ruin everything and you kept fuckin’ with me until its over and I won’t)
You think that everybody’s the same
I don’t think that anybody’s like you

Just think about it
You’ll get it

Puzzles

I want to play a game, a puzzle, make this more personal. How about some photos? I love taking photos on my new phone, It takes 5 seconds for the camera to shutter so its like slow shutter speed all the time. Its captures usually the vision I have when I see it. Subtle messages to remind me of my thoughts at the time, the convinient truth for a change. I finally went through my phone pictures. Highly in need of a mass delete indeed. It shocked my own eyes to see some of those visions of memory which I dont posess as my own. Here I go…..

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk.  That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.  ~Ernest Hemingway

Those really cool doctors that work from their house

Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system.

I love you.

You are here. And I hate you.

But I love you so much.
As much as I was crying before, in front of you like a shameless schoolgirl, I still look across and see you standing there, I want to rip your clothes off. You gave me a big hug, I instictivly kissed your neck as I always did.
Its bringing up memories. You are finally taking the last of everything. After three and a half months, All gone. This is the longest I have spoken to you. You kept bringing up other men, hurtfull thoughts I hope have been hurting you for as a long as I’ve been hurting. Then my friends came. Came to save me from my own death by drowing in tears.

You say u never asked me to wait, yet you just told me you think about things. What things? Can we move to exmouth? Can we run away? Can we stare into eachothers eyes and laugh till we cry like we used to. Plan trips and travel to remote beaches untouched by humans. Lay in ur arms watching the sun rise, fishing naked together, rolling joints in broome and not waking up to ours friends knocking on our bungalow. Im crying again. you are walking passed. I can see the muscles and veins in yours strong arms. Oh the amount of people I would kill to have the feel of them wrapped around me again.

I’m going to ask if.. nothing. Doesn’t matter, save myself the embarrassment. I might go back to the pub. I have no work. I shall get fucked up tonight. So messed up. to take the pain of you away, the thought, essence, smell, sound and touch of you away. Drive it out of my mind. Out of my body. Yes I shall get fucked up. Wasted. Wake up again not knowing who’s breathe I hear beside me. Looking down realising my clothes are still on and intact, because the fact is, I get so fucked up I’m un capable of achieving anything my mind I might like to wish for the night before.

I cant write anymore. Yet again the sight of you, memories and the pain stabbing my chest, has exhausted me past caring anymore. I love you so much. Please understand that.

Alcohol is Bad mmmmkay…

Tonight is the party for my belated 21st.
Bonfire – Relies on a friend bringing drums, and another friend organising firewood whilst he is located in Broome.
Food – Meat is purchased, salads rely on friends.
Cover- relies on another friend bringing a marqee.
Chairs – yet to organise as im still in bed.
Alcohol – never want to touch again after last night.

I had to share my bed last night. I built a wall of pillows between us. My dad and he bonded so much, he was ordered to share my bed. There are four of us here. All rejoicing in wake’n'bake, morning rums, music, strong coffees, laughter and other weird feelings.

I got called an ‘asshole’ by someone close to me for my attitude towards them last night. Apparently nobody deserves to be treated like that. But he won’t tell me what I said. Which hardly allows for me to use the excuse of bad PMS emotions and uncountable amounts of alcohol and my renound abusiveness behaivor towards men when intoxicated. He asked if I will act like that everytime he returns from being away.
Me being a bitch “Depends on what week I see you”

I was a little too ‘freely-spirited” last night. I have come to the conclusion i will use one of my many addiction to subscription drugs to help me through the day/night and allow me to drink anyone under the table without getting angry, then emotional, then violent, then passing out. Hey, It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.

Faggot brain called the other day.
He heard about my job, and wanted to call to “see how I was going”.
Wow, he shattered my heart and gave not an ounce of empathy, but when he hears a rumour, he actually cares enough to call. Men will never cease to amaze me.

I had so many dreams last night.
There was a python in the toilet and it was blocked again.
I had two men in my bed pleasuring me. No idea who they were though.
I got married to a guy I have a secret crush on.
I ate moudly bread and my throat closed up like when I ate a mushroom that wasn’t the mushroom I was after.

And always there was a dream of the faggot. It was just his smile. Enough to make me melt, wake up smiling and then find someone next to me at 4.30am and get up and freak out.

Yet I am still bored and lonely. I fucked it up with the Chef as I am as confused as a platypus. (wouldn’t you be confused if you were a mammal with a beak.)

I am off… To crawl out of the bed the 5th time this morning. Smoke again to ease my cough. Take tablets for my head and make my way to the bathroom for a long steaming refreshing shower. And try to meditate as hard as I can so I might be able to remember the things I can’t yet want to from last night. And hopefully forget the things I do remember but don’t want to.

Love me. xo