Lesson Number One.
October 11, 2009
He’s promised me a lesson. On Cooking. He said its to be themed. Dress up and feel good he continued, the theme is romantic. In addition to this out of character behaviour, he confirms ‘Brews & Bruises’ are to be had. I’m still recovering. I must keep him at bay. I enquired the location, his beautiful kitchen located in a matching apartment, where neighbours can hear the desires, where voyeurism is publicly encouraged from ones window sill, we confuse them, till we fall to the softness as laughter bounces off the walls. He does not mind where, mine or his, he wants me to be comfortable. I want to escape, however I will not pack an overnight bag. This decision will later teach me the values of resisting temptation. He said I shall feast upon a banquet. And end in naughty deserts. His silent sleep as his essence envelopes me into a ball of protected vulnerableness. As much as I miss the feel of ’spooning’ as they call it, I’m happy to allow myself to be the only one privileged enough to. No matter how charming or persistent he may be to shower me in affection. I think he is trying to make up for getting me arrested. But after all, he still thinks I have a boyfriend. I think… Lets keep it that way for now.
I don’t want to relax now. I want to party. I want to drink. I want to have fun. I want to laugh and talk. I think I might go see D. As Much as I have an early start tomorrow, its early on a Sunday afternoon, I can distract him whilst he is working, knowing full well I will leave him to catch the train all the way home. B just called, asking me to attend a beautiful bistro with him for pints. Declined. I was meant to relax this weekend. I didn’t. But I’ve been sober for all of it. Only when the sun starts to rise and my red bull wears off, have i skulled down a few to knock me out. Nothing compared my normal ways of being totalled by lunch. I remember alot more. Its quite wonderful. Everyone else around me is drunk.
The marks on me are unique. I can remember each one, occurance of rationality at the time . My love of addictive tendencies over shadow my character of sombre needs. I feel like I am constantly fighting with myself. And I’m not sure why. Or how exactly. I just know there is a war inside me, hooked daggers pierce the lining of my being, dragging me in many directions, causing undue stress when not having the answers drives me crazy. I think I need relief of all this, how, I do not know, Can I run away? just for a few weeks? Disappear into the unknown. Have no contact with any prior knowns. I can only wish, and dream, and think, and strive and conquer and discover. I’m on my way to paradise creating my own road off the beaten track.
