No More Please

I can’t do it anymore. I’m at my wits end. Nothing helps, nothing cures the burning inside me. Killing every inch of me with every more breathe I take… Nothing consoles the lonliness I have within myself burdened upon my spirit for as long as I;ve been old enough to understand. Sorrow, confusions, losts, alone, hatred, whats wrong with me. why do I have to be such a fucked up freak..

I’m not drinking anymore, or getting off anymore. I’m merely trying to focus on the waves of intensity of emotions and thoughts that are finally able to penetrate my mind. Its like a tidal wave of hateful thoughts, evil commands, punishing voices. I drank to block them out. I take medication to block them out. I look for other self destructive way to explode away from my body, lash out at it as punishment. I know have these…

I just want to stop crying. im so sick of crying, i feel like thats all ive done this year, cry and get pissed. and now im not getting pissed anymore, all i do is seem to cry and cry. Perhaps the meds no longer work. The evil blackness crawls its way back over my deserted skin. It pressures me to calm my pain, heal with pain, makes me feel worthless, used, unwanted. i cant do this anymore, i want this pain to go away.

I’m fearful of abandonment,
Like being left on a burning mountain.
I Envy success,
Disallowing my own to be praised.
Confrontation confuses me,
Like an animal stuffed in a bag.
I fake Pride and Positivity,
So they may never see my pain.
Rip the pieces of flesh from my skin,
As the blood drains, my pain eases..
Chunks of stale hatred for myself,
Dissolving into tainted scars.
This tunnel nevers ends,
The light I see is not the one I wish.
Would it not be easier to rid all of this burden?
Rather than the time of starting again.

I don’t want to go one, I have lived more than most. I hate this sickness inside of me. Nothing makes it ease. I destroy the serenity in place for good to come into my life. I poison and tarnish the vision, the hopes and aspects one must hold. I honestly have no clue, no idea, nothing comes to mind when I think of my future. Everything I’ve wanted up until last week has disappeared into ashes. My hopes and dreams to further my career, all but gone. I am no longer happy, no longer safe, anywhere in this world. I am glad to have seen all of my family the past few weeks. It was to make my going abroad easier for both sides. Now I know its easier for some kind of separation. I call upon the Goddesses I know watch over me, to lead me into the right path. The path of those I care about. No more pain for them either. Disparting of emotions over time.

I am so lonely in this world. I wish someone would understand.