The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

I’m happy.  I’m relaxed. My mind is at ease. The blockage of thoughts is finally filtered

Rent Inspections – The point? I’m not sure, I’ve only had one since I’ve been in my house for the better part of two years.  I was meant to have one last week. My gal and I had the day off, Swallowed some No-Doze, Chased it with Red-bull and proceeded on the dust, cobwebs, linen, rubbish, toilet rolls and food remnants around the house. Pasta thrown on the wall for checking time.  If it sticks, its ready. Also some on the roof.  Sticky blue streamers aligning the walls from many a party ago. Glass throughout the house swept into piles, then the vacuum broke. Doh.

I hope when they inspect today (after missing the one last week) They realised how hot the god damn place is in summer. Perhaps I should have waited till today to Alfoil my windows. I slept in utter darkness, not awoken by the rays of light bouncing off the colourbond fence 1 metre away from my head. I woke up to a dark cool room. You have no idea how happy this makes me. I’m eagerly ecstatic to sleep in tomorrow!! yay!! Actually, I have my work Christmas party tonight at a nightclub, and I’ve given up my spot in the shared hotel room with my mates, to help a girlfriend out so she can stay with her man, and so I can sleep in, not only a dark room, oh no. But a CLEAN room (Domestos even used – Although it did stain some things) with CLEAN sheets and it just feels so damn CLEAN!

The guests tomorrow night who somehow end up in my room (as we always do) are going to be gobsmacked with the space of it. and the fact its CLEAN!

I’m quite anxious over who may be present tomorrow night. I mean last time I was so incoherently wasted prior to anyone arriving that I still don’t recall who was actually there. therefore, it doesn’t matter. However I plan to be soberly straight for the entire event of tomorrow, thus my conflicting anxiety kicks in. Perhaps I will just share a few joints and let the good times roll. The music was over powered last time and fights broke out over it. This time, people have requested they bring their own music onto made up cds and iPods etc. The night IS about MY Gal and I so therefore, we will change the music as we see fit..

It has also come to my attention that my light brown fluffy hair above my lip, has this year become more prominent. I said I never would but the time has come to swallow my words. I’m waxing my upper lip. God have mercy. I’m allergic to some waxes, the last thing I want is to look like a swollen buffoon at my work do tonight, and my event tomorrow!!

On the upnote, Meeting a guy tonight that I’ve been smsing and talking to on the neat and phone for almost six weeks now..  First one to be vulgar, or dirty etc. I’m liking it, ready to meet him.

PS: I’ve been maintaining abstinence.
PPS: It’s make me horny as hell *TMI
PPSS: My Gal and I have been best friends for 8 years and one day!!

Tis the Season to be Jolly

The only time you will see me with some kind of Celebration for Christmas emblazed..

I haven’t really noticed Christmas is approaching. I plan to do nothing, Celebrate nothing and be with no one. After all, its my first single xmas, meaning I don’t have to spend it with someone elses family as I do every year, feeling like an outsider or getting unwanted sympathy from not having my own family to spend it with. The only present I’ve purchased so far was a plant for secret santas at work. I killed his two plants who let me look after one holiday, and I also killed my cactus. Didn’t think it was possible. That’s how pink my thumb is No green about it what so ever. So I figured a plant would suffice as a replacement for two.

Last years I spent $3k + on present, gifts including hand made creations, all for my friends, family, even aquaintences. This year I’m too broke and really can’t be fucked. I wanted to escape to Bali, or stay in a hotel But now I’m thinking I cruise up the coast in my car, pick a spot along a beach, have a few rods +bait and a few tins of food and enjoy the serenity of being on my own. Yes That’s what I want for Christmas.  Relaxation. At its best.

I really want to start doing Colour Splash Photography..

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.

I know the reason for it being as it has lately. Why I sleep with a candle burning next to my slumberess head. I feel the breeze and touch of the spirits, I hear the laughter and singing they bring with their presence, the crying and weeping they try to hide from you. I’m not sure why she is so persistant with death lately. I guiltily should have realised sooner. I diassociate the lapse of time I should never forget. So pressed into my mind are nightmares. The most vivid and creative ways of death, pain and torture upon my soul. I do not ask for this. I hate this.

I slept 23  hours straight over the weekend, not from cause of my own. My body was trapped, under my mind which forever churned out the dreams and events before my internal eye, not allowing my body to function and awake itself.

I dreamt of rape. By someone I am fearful of. He came to my house, held me down, My screams muffled by the sting of his fist against my face. The throbbing of pain between my legs and the arch of my back in a wrongful unnatural position. I tried screaming. Nobody came until it was too late. I was found bruised and bloody slumped against a wall.  He walked away laughing. This is a dream I remember so vividly but wish not to at all.

I dreamt of fire. Burning housefire. We were pulled from it safely. But as I watch the flames lick closer to where my written and photographic posistions were held, I sobbed and reached out for all my memories soon to be lost. No place left in the world, no record of my existance being able to remain through such force. I ran back into the house. Clutching and ducking the beams of fire above my head. I reached the bookshelf, I touched my albums and diaries of years gone by. They turned to dust.  The fire hadn’t even reached that area yet, but somehow, life did not want these possesions to remain. I let the blackbness ofthe charred smoke fill my lungs, sting my eyes, and the carbon dioxide to take my conciousness.

I dreamt of death. The death of a baby. I was in another life, perhaps myself older, mature, calmer and above all, happy. I was surround by love and warmth, and carried a beautiful double set golden pair of rings upon my wedding finger. In my dream, I tried to recall the other aspects of my life, who was I sharing it with, where was I living? But my dream did not want me to know all this, just understand I was happy in my time. I felt sensations in my abdomen, and remembered a flash of a warm embrace with someone and realised I was pregnant. The dream focused in fast succesion the process of change upon my body. From subtle growth, to the gentle bubble like feeling of when the child moved inside me. The happiness at baby showers, lotioning the growing skin, Laughter and soft pink colours of a nursery. The the day arrived, I was surrounded by loved ones, the pain of giving birth in a dream was rather frightening, but overtaken by adrenelin. The bundle arrived, the room went silent. A bundle wrapped in pink was taken out of the room. I searched the eyes of the attending people lingering in the room, their eyes showed sadness, beyond belief. I wanted to know what was wrong? Why was there no crying coming from the other room, why was no one acknowledging me? I jumped out of bed, and ran into the adjoining room. There before my eyes, was a hollow, lifeless gray body of something so tiny and miraculous, it looked like it wasn’t even there. I had given birth to a child who had already passed on.

I dreamt others like the three above. Each time waking up sobbing, screaming, exhausted, irrational and dillusional. But to relive the rest of them, in order to detail them in words, would exhaust me even more. Just the memories of such visions, so real and life like, that my brain still has trouble deciding the difference between reality and not. I don’t want to know to be honest. Sleep allows me to avoid all in life. Well I thought it did. I want to sleep to escape my reality, but my sleeping mind is now worse that real life. I’m scared to go to sleep, and scared to stay awake. Is there not some place between I can substantiate a viewing glass of life? Yet not be involved as much as I am at the moment… I’m scared of the next second, the next phone call, the next email, the next letter, the next conversation with someone around me, scared of tomorrow, of tonight, of deciding anything from lunch to where should I be on my break. When I make a decision, I’m scared its the wrong one. I’m not normally like this, but I feel as though I given the reigns of my soul to someone else for a while. No one in particular, just in auto-pilot mode whilst I take a break. Oh how badly do I need a break…

I feel the same and I wanna meet her..

Yes it has been long since I have posted. In truth my life has become uneventful and boring somewhat, albeit still busy and full of dates..
Just more toned down. Relaxed. I even spent 2 hrs today cleaning my house. I got a beautiful incense, Sea Breeze, and as the wind blows freely from window to open door, I taste the essence of sand and freedom upon my mouth.

My mouth, my mouth has been the centre of all things sweet, Creme Brule, soft kisses of lovers once loved, kisses hundreds of feet in the air glazing down to the city below, kisses of morning wakeups and the voices of intelligence. I am 100% at peace with myself, no longer do I crave the attention, I avoid it. It still follows me, but I am happy to ignore. The more I retract, the more they are enticed. I’m growing elegant, Stylish and mindful of how I look to others. Never once did I think I would be the kind of girl to touch up her lipstick or blush in the toilet stalls of the many places I inhabit. But I read somewhere, that when  you are single and free, to present ones self well, brings self-confidence, and happiness.. Never mind I am not trying to impress anyone, but merely when I happen to glance in the rear view mirror and am taken back by a female who takes the time now, to perhaps wash and straighten her hair, and wear lip gloss… I feel like staring in a country song, tom boy goes wild, moves to high heals, mildly more fashionable clothes and an awareness of calm, serenity and self-love that leaves trails where she walks. That’s me. I’m so very happy.

I’ve started cooking.. Much to the delight of my Gal… It must mean I’m happy, I love to cook, and I took a break from it so many moons ago..

Boys Boys Boys

I love the way life works. I decided to listen to my earlier lesson, and not bother contacting anyone. I only need me and time for myself. I went to sleep. At 3.30 in the spring afternoon, and snuggled into my body pillow, wrapping it around me and hugging me warm. I had many calls/texts/notifications. And this is why I love the way life works, I did not hear nor stir for any of these noises. Except for two. One at 5pm, from D. He had gotten credit just to call me. We laughed and joked, made plans for tomorrow and shared mutual affection of our love of music and ambitions to go to Big Day Out. He invited me to go with him. Awww.

The Second was from.. umm.. what can I call him*, I know He’s been mentioned prior. A dear lad I have had a crush on for, gosh, a while actually. But never ever and still haven’t acted on it. We are friends through friends, have known eachother about two years, and after I developed little bits of excitement when around said lad, I discover he has also now become one of Evils* close friends. Well he had, until he started coming to visit me every week or so for beers and a catchup. He came around tonight, he bought a friend thank god, tension would have been intense. I couldn’t let him stay longer than 20 minutes as My Gal had already cracked the shits upon coming home tonight to guests.

My phone gets disconnected tomorrow. I have a new number. So many ppl aren’t getting it. Then hopefully I get a job overseas, and most will never hear from me again. This thought alone feels me with rush and release. I’m not running away. I’m growing up. Cutting the threads of habit that tie me to the souls that drag me down. I will be fine. I will return in 5 years for a visit. To see my siblings who some would be adults by then. To see my Family who some would be dead by then. I shall return sophisticated but still Daggy me,  Grown up whilst still mischevious, Well presented but still unfashionly . With a few houses under my belt, A rewarding and executive career and a charming Husband. The first of Two anyway. I can’t change that way about me Hopefully he will be what I’ve wanted since I was 5 and fascinated with the combination of dialects in languages. A French Canadian. Not rude unlike the French, but a Canadian who can ravish me in the cool of the night with words of Latin like,  poetry.

So tomorrow night, a date over Pints with D, Thursday night Fisherman is taking me out for dinner. God Bless 6am starts and 8am flights. Not. I am not tired despite having to arise in 5 hours. perhaps I should not have slept, oh wait, there’s a yawn. I love my life. I love medication for making me love life. If I forget to take it, I am pounded by headaches, aches, sadness, anger, tears, fears and a complete fucked up way of thinking. Back to my known reality I suppose. And when I take it again, I vomit for hours, am dizzy and cloudy, until the next day, when everyday just gets better and better, so good, i get so happy i forget to take it and the cycle starts all over. I must refill my script before I fly out. And perhaps get the pill if I plan on having sex again.

UPDATE: Just as I pressed Publish on this post, Fisherman text to say he just got credit to talk to me.  I’m glad I’m helping Telstra make lots of money out of recharge cards for me.

Holidays

I’ve started taking my meds again, seems I forget to on the weekends sometimes. I feel so much better now! The tears, anger, pain and rash decisions have stopped. I bailed on last night’s lesson, the temptation  would have been too hard to refuse… I want to take a vow of celibacy. Which will be hard considering how much I enjoy passion, But perhaps I will wait till I find someone worth it, decent, and special.

I submitted 21 applications over the night, for positions around the world. For one company, doing what I love. The next week will be held in anticipation. Of course I will remain distracted upon my arrival in Sydney this coming Friday. The drinks are waiting, the men are waiting, the clubs are waiting,  My family is waiting, to partying, catch up, fall in love with Sydney, to tempt me to move there. My cousin is 19yrs old. Party girls run in the family. She is organising my entire trip. Including picking me up from the airport on Friday. I’m not sure how long I will be there actually. I need to make it up to the Gold Coast by the end of the month, I’m hitchhiking up the coast, I want to spend a night in Newscastle, because I can.

In QLD, apart from the family, I am watching the Indi Races from a high rise apartment with a girlfriend who lives with a rotating average of 5 hot guys. She has booked me a bed, although it will most likely be shared

Drink. Drank.Drunk. Clubbing. For the first time in my life, I can go on holidays not only alone, but without the hassle of having to check back in with anyone, feel guilt and shy away from the world. Welcome back Life, I’ve been waiting for you. Do me good and fun, and I will appreciate you even more.

PS:  I would like to see D today. But I need to catchup on sleep. Perhaps a phone call will suffice.

I’ve slept with how many people?

According to a new website created by a pharmacy to increase the awareness of STD’s, I have been a bad girl.

 

You have had 11,669,517indirect and direct sexual partners.

I’m quite impressed with that figure. Anyway, its time for another list. Things I love about Life:

• The quantity of hot, illegable pieces of ass more than willing to allow me to tap.
• The Quality  of hot, illegable pieces of ass more than willing to allow me to tap.
• The heat of Spring trying to burst its way through the ever present winter atmosphere.
• Having dreams I wish were real.
• Having Dreams I can make a reality.
• The truth that time does heal all wounds.
• Burrito’s – easiest yummiest meal in the world.
• God invented weed. Thats uber cool.
• My Blackberry Storm.
• 1L Double Shot Masters Ice Coffee
• Tiramisu Cadbury Chocolate.
• Orgasms – self inflicted or not, god wanted us to enjoy them.

Scripts of Journals Past…

A Page from one of my journals. (My Age: 14-15)

I did a quiz on the net on ‘The Initials of the Love of your life’. Answer: ‘KW’. So I went through one of my many handwritten journals over the years, searching for this mysterious man.. Actually, just occurred to me, could also be a female? Or my recent interest (And the rest of the world.) A hermaphrodite? Ohh how much fun.. Come to me Lady Gaga…

Any who, I took a few shots from my pda of the said Diary/Scrapbook. I will try to elaborate about each pic as much as possible. Perhaps one day I may even scan each page of my diaries in.. Oh how much fun..

A Collection of Text Messages

Reading the entries on this page, from my writing and own mind back in 2002, I’m amazed at the audacity of the way media portrays such explicit sexuality to young women. Last night flipping through pages I was dumbstuck and often felt embarassed, not from  my own thoughts, from the excerpts of the print media. Disgusting to say the truth, no wonder we all enjoy sex wayyyyy too much starting wayyy to young.

 

Poetry written and coloured by chalk..

Slacker Catchup

Perhaps I should re-cap my weekend.. I stopped mid sentence as he answered. I held my breath. Not sure what to expect. It was better than I expected. I felt nothing. Little bit of sympathy perhaps. I finally don’t hurt for him anymore. It feels so wonderful! It was 4am when I typed that/called him. I learnt a mutual friend is pestering him. Pestering him for more than what he wants. Oh well, not my problem anymore!!

Got home at 4pm Saturday afternoon. Showered dressed ready for another big night. 5 hours later, laying in a bed beside my Blondie Girl, whom was covered in her own vomit at the time. Make sure she stayed in the recovery position. Made it home 9.30 am on Sunday and I proceeded to drink 2x bottles of Champaign, some leftover goon, 5 Toohey’s Ciders and some left over Vodka. It was great to relax on a Sunday feeling refreshed for work on Monday. Gym Monday = Steam room and Spa/pool.

My Breakfast on Sunday Morning..

I like to imagine how stoned I would be if the steam in the room pouring out of the machine was actually a Dutch up session. Of the joy of it.

I feel a new sense of energy over me. The Chef is capturing me. Despite me not having seen him for two weeks, I was able to talk to him via phone when he docked into a port far far away from here. We spent a total of over 10 hours on the phone to each other in two days. We share everything, talk about and through everything. None of this game playing bullshit, hiding what you really feel. We are 100% upfront with each other. He knows the deal with ‘Old Mate’ (That’s what he shall be named from now on.)

My Chef wants to wrap me in bubble wrap and protect me from the world.  That’s a very sweet thing for him to say considering he hates the thought of losing man points. As long as he’s sweet to me in private, he doesn’t need to do it in front of his mates. But he likes to hold me, engage me in the conversations and get me to know them each. Oh god, I didn’t want this at all. But I can’t help it. He makes me feel so good and wonderful.

Plus it’s been 15 weeks since our first date. Yes, it’s been like 21 weeks since Old Mate. My Dog has a stepdad. And his name is Aaron.

He encourages me to read, he cuddles me as I read, and he's interested in what I read about (Unless its girly or mushy stuff, then he blocks his ears. I feel so relaxed and comfortable in his arms.)

My Crazy Weekend

It all started with my RDO last week. Being as stressed as I could be about my job, I awoke to a call from.. mmm.. What should I call him on here? What does he remind me of? Ahhh.. Darlene.. Because he pretends to be her and says ‘Shutup Becky!’ all the time. So anyway, he called in the morning, bought me McDonalds for Breakfast and got a bit baked whilst nestled in the lounge. Then we dropped my Gal off at the traino. Then we drove around everywhere!! All morning, getting money, meeting people, buying stuff, following dodgy cars down empty lanes, exchanging goods.After all he is an Ozzie post courier so perhaps my description is somewhat over exaggerated. All by 11am!! Then we rested.. as much as one can rest in that state of mind.

We watched porn, drank beer, debated over etiquette of tuning via text. We share a purely platonic friendship, to the point where we can share the same bed, feeling undeniably comfortable knowing the other one isn’t going to fuck up and ruin the friendship. So anyway, I tried explaining he is worth more than the 20yr old piece of trash with a baby he was trying to tune. Now I’m not being judgemental, but the little bitch told him, she was to find someone rich to support her and her baby, so unless he started earning lots of money, she wouldn’t go on a date with him. Poor dude. Stupid slut, her loss.

Needless to say, sleep was minimal that evening. By the time the evening came. Work flew by on Friday. Then it was get ready for a girls night for #2 Gals Birthday. There was about 7 of us.. Started at the Inglewood, already had a few wines, left my car at the local. Had some shots, three I think and sculled a pint. Caught a taxi with G to the queens, met everyone there, had 2 more shots, bourbon IN beer (Grosses thing in the world, feel sick thinking about it). *Some chick hit on me at the bar, we kissed briefly, I grabbed her ass, she asked for my number. Another guy came up and asked if he could join.

Caught another taxi with the gaggle of us spread out between 3 taxis. Now from this point forward I don’t remember much. So anything with an ‘*’ symbol means I have been told I did it, or it happened etc. you get the picture.

*There was a crime scene set up. Fresh with tape still unravelling, men in white cloud shoes, guns everywhere and blurry flashes from all the light. I needed to get through to the street on the other side. I begged the cop- ‘It’s not that far, please let me cross’. Then I attempted to cross it myself. Bad idea. I yelled out someone had died. Everyone stared at me. I shouted it’s true! Why else would there be a crime scene this big. Turns out someone got stabbed.. Nothing new really for Perth.

I remember dancing seductively at the shed. With a fence I think. Not to sure. It was just me and G. *Two guys came up to her. Annoyed her. I asked if she wanted me to get rid of them. She did. I told them we were married. They didn’t believe us. We made out. They still didn’t believe us. We made out some more then left to locate the rest of the party.

I started getting tetchy, as I can after a deathly amount to drink. I’m surprised my liver didn’t pack up and cark it hours before. Needless to say, I caught a taxi home with G. I threatened ‘DB’ and he promptly drove over at 2am. To listen to me babble (thanks red bull) till 6am about my philosophies on monogamy, life, death etc. None of which I remember. He thinks it’s funny every time we hang out, I don’t remember a thing. He’s only really ever seen me smashed the past month or so, after I became an alcoholic! Bahahahah..

I peeled back my eyelids at 4pm on Saturday. Surely the colour of the sky meant it was still early morning. Nope. I missed the entire day of sunshine. Sleeping in a bed surrounded my empty bottles, shot glasses, cigarettes – all the ingredients to ensure a restful sleep. DB was still there, we had organised to catch up Sat night anyway, about 4 weeks ago we planned it. It was going to be a LONG night.. He took me out for breakfast. Smoked salmon on poached eggs with Hollandaise sauce. And a Vodka/Orange Juice. Ordering breakfast at 5pm on a Saturday, and they say heaven doesn’t exist.

That night, some strange things happened to us. We clocked up about 200km on my car. Spent about $500 odd dollars. Sung songs very loud. And:

• 6 Hummer Limousines
• 3 Chrysler Limousines
• 1 Booze Bus
• 1 Attempt to be pulled over.
• Ran one red light.
• Prank called people while Driving
• Heard from the most random people I was stoked to hear from.

Then it was more Booze at home, catch-up with G again. Drunk till I passed out at 3am..  Woke up 2pm Sunday. Cooked a massive breakfast for the three of us. Dropped DB off. Then G and I started to get ready for the Sunday Sesh.. phew.. party party party. My Gal came home from her new mans to come out, and another young chickee babe came over to be our driver there. Four Girls, all dressed up, mostly still drunk, looking Fab Fab Fab. Oh the ex even came over to drop the dog off, and it was hard to see how impressed he was with my new look. We knew we looked hot.

It paid off, after drinking ‘Ray Charles’ – which are the death of all drinkers, I did get asked for my number twice, Got a massage, paid $15 for a burger, stumbled into a cab, passed out in the cab, and woke up in my driveway to the taxi man on my side of the car trying to wake me up. BUT!! I was in bed by 10.30. It was a work night, and 4 Solid Days of non stop partying does wear your body down.

2am. My Gal came running into my room, jumped on top of me. She had hooked up, went to the Casino, stashed $150 worth of chips in her handbag, bought the guy home, then G called, the girls were still partying, My Gal kicked the boy out, called a cab and let me get back to sleep.

5am. My Gal and G arrive home. With two boys in tow. And Noise. And laughter. I screamed till my voice hurt. Screamed to shut the fuck up. Screamed to piss off. An hour and a half later my alarm went off. I hadn’t been able to get back to sleep, I did the countdown trying to guess when the noise would break the silence through the air. Then I got the biggest pot I could find, a nice solid metal spoon, and proceeded to bang them together with such force, I still have a ringing in my ear. Paybacks a Bitch. Then I went to work. And Now I’m very broke.