After Love

There is no magic any more, We meet as other people do, You work no miracle for me Nor I for you. You were the wind and I the sea— There is no splendor any more, I have grown listless as the pool Beside the shore. But though the pool is safe from storm And from the tide has found surcease, It grows more bitter than the sea, For all its peace.

There’s only one I miss at the moment

It just never gets better does it. Compared to my last post anyway. I decide to cancel all previous arrangements I had with said boys. I’ve decided Men are the scum of the earth (again) and can’t see any satisfaction or gratification in going on dates, getting attention, playing hard to get. I’m over it. I don’t want to be here anymore. To Top it all off, my phone gets disconnected. After having the same number for 4 years.  Hundreds of people have dialled my number. How easy it was. I’ll never get it back, so here it WAS: 044 81 00 00 8. Oh my dear handpicked number.

I’m in so much debt. I want to get out of it. AARRGGGHHHH I want to scream. But upon my return form my holiday I have a plan for that.

I fly away tomorrow. Up, up in the air, I fly… Zoom, zoom, zoom zoom zoom.. Where the arms of long lost family await me. New tales of adventure await.

I finally heard from my Sailor today. Via text. It hurt a little bit. I miss him, miss his morning wake up calls, his updates throughout the day. We were meant to spend the laugh half of this holiday together. He blames me and my life for ending it. Yet after a few months he begged me to open up to him. To let him in and become an ‘US’. so I did, and he couldn’t handle it, the drama in my life. It’s my fault my friend gets hit by a car, my fault my friend jumped out and started dancing. Everything was always my fault. I shouldn’t feel as sad as I do. I guess I thought I’d finally found someone worthy of me. But I guess he wasn’t. Its like a retracting animal that lives within a shell, comes fully out the first time, explores the world. Gets hurt and retreats. After a while, it finally decides to explore again, not exposing so much of themselves, being tempted out by trusting creatures, a little bit comes out, only to be hurt again, retreating the lost animal further into its self. Never again is that animal likely to come out as much as it had. Thanks for that Asshole. I hope you die old, lonely, childless, and hated. Not really but if felt good to say it. I miss your company and friendship so much. I hope you do too.

Therapy

I went to my first session today. It went well. I felt relief wash over me as I descended back to the proton. There we’re many tears, fears and realizations. Yes I would be considered on the side of the fence which procrastinates with their rum. Although I stopped drinking rum because I didn’t like the way it came back out. I had issues to talk to about the Chef. My kind of boyfriend. Well he was my boyfriend, till today, prior to my session. So I went in there with a a bit of haste and resentment towards our nations protectors, but I left with someone else in my memory. With the ball of love, happiness, comfortness, sanctuary of the bucket of feelings I once had and shared. He is the stem of my problem. My reason for grief. I knew that anyway, I just forget. Whilst I have moved on, and past the longing of wanting that cute evilness in my life, I hold out for the feeling of love. It doesn’t matter the subject or object of ones affections, it was the subtle knowing that no matter what you did, you would still be loved and not judged by this one person, whilst the rest of the world stood and laughed. It’s like losing yourself she said. What I had built up, shared, discovered, lived with one, it would be abnormal but to feel this pain. How I deal and address with such an arising emotion is another thing.

I also start hypnosis next week. I also start my celebacy. I also start  living my life without my favourite form of entertainment. My beloved Kiwi family – Outrageous Fortune. Series Six is in production. Wow, off topic, must be high. Someone is here, they are in my driveway, I can hear the grunt of the engine, the shrill of the belts. It stopped. Actually I think it was just my neighbours.

I’m attempting to cook tonight. Roast Chicken. I hope I get to sleep early tonight. 4am gettup’s are NOT cool no matter how early you get to finish. I want to go fishing, To walk along the rivers edge, The beach! Oh how nice it would be to walk upon the remains of a million, million year old shells.

I feel no anger for you anymore. None. Even if I try!! There was no anger today, my tears were of thankfulness, thankful that you allowed to break us both out of such unhappiness. I feel I have grown a thousand years older. I could not have called myself a woman had I not known this experience. I thank thee, for saving us both. *Raise Glasses and clink together*

PS: I still hope one day my own kids will be as cute as you were as one.

Dear Diary

I wish you would move away. And change your password on things. And stop talking to the same people as me. Actually it would probably be easier if you just died. Yes, I think it would be. No more stress, or worries. Silver would move on. I just wish you would leave me to nest in my own little world. Go back home where you belong. Maybe I should be the better person and leave. Afterall, I was only here because of you. Where can I go back to? I don’t belong anywhere. You stole it all from me. Tainted with sarcastic remarks, cut-off quotes and putdowns, Guilt trips and manipulation. You did it all. I wish I hadn’t been so nice about this breakup now. You really are a faggoty maggot ridden, slime coated mound of a poor excuse for Ratshit in which holds the rabies and the black plague…

Phew, glad that’s over. Thankfully I had three calls from aspiring men.. Hold on, another call..

So many men, so many reasons to stay single. Oh wait. I’m not anymore

Yes a decision of exclusivity was made. Minus the bullshit that comes with having a ‘full on’ or full time relationship. He leaves for two weeks tomorrow. Perfect for relaxation. Besides, I am over the life I maintained for a short period of time. The stories, amount of people/men, the laughter, the waking up moments, the drinking, the drugs, dear me, no one would ever talk to me again. Only my Gal understands. We are one of two souls. No one will understand our friendship.

I am embracing this new ‘feeling’ of being treated with respect, like a princess – no queen! I have done all to embrace bar denouncing this news my Dancer Boi.. I think he is getting the picture, my absences to his calls/texts is leaving the trail cold. I feel bad, he is too much of an awesomeness being for me to wish or grant any kind of sadness upon him. Or to leave a door behind open perhaps? Who knows, I know nothing about this life I serve. I must just idly swim through it at a pace I am most comfort with.

Dear Diary,
Today I let go of him.
It hurt like fuck.
Please never let me go through pain like that again.
Thankyou.
All my love, Becky

The memory of the Start..

You know when you have so much to drink, you have no idea in the world what happened the night before? and one day a few months later u’re in the shower or brushing your teeth or stuck in traffic and you suddenly have a wash back of memories? You finally remember!! Yay… or Nay..

I don’t remember much of my 21st, at all really. I’m normally a responsible drinker (obviously until that night). I couldn’t figure out why I let myself drink that much.

I was just putting on eyeliner, getting ready for the night and I had this wave of a flashback where you stand straight and stare  into nothing as if you’re watching the memory play out in front of you. Well it was of my 21st. 20 minutes after I turned 21 in America, yet It had been my birthday for 12 hrs back in Australia. And I hadn’t heard from him. To be honest when he called that night, it was the only time he called me on my whole 10 day holiday. even when I was stranded with no money because i left all my credit cards and money at home.

He called, he said happy birthday. I said thankyou, mentioned that it already been all day where he was, why didn’t he call me earlier or send a message. He said he hadn’t wanted to ruin my night. He said he was moving out. I should have been elated as thats what we both wanted for so long. Said he would be gone by the time i got back.

So i came home from America, elated and full of esteem and determined for a new journey on life. I came home, my friends all raced around and i told them stories over wine and presents and a bbq.

But then he walked through the front door. He hadn’t moved out. I ignored him, all night till he cornered me. Took all my new found energy away in a single second. Why couldn’t he have movd out then. before I got back. It would have made everything so much easier. And i was under the impression I would come home to my own house..

Oh well…

Life feels good now. I love it.

Headache

I sit here with a throbbing pain in my head. Drifting its way down my body like blood red waves washing up against a rocky coast. I feel sick like a shaken milkshake. I swear i’m pregnant. But nothing will prove it.

I had a dream, that the events of last night turned out differently. He asked why I stopped directing posts to him. He looked sadden.

In reality you waltzed into my safe haven of friends. Muddied it with ur charming stance. Not daring to look my way, and when you did. I made sure all you could see was happieness and laughter escaping my face. It didn’t change anything. I got looks and words of dreaded sympathy. A few wanted to smash ur head in for coming to such a place. You felt unwelcome, your place where you normally pride yourself was gone. You were banished to the other side. Few came to talk to u. Some went to keep u company. You are no longer welcome. If you ever come back, ur tyres will be slashed, ur lights smashed, ur sweet innocent grin cut from ur face with the jaggerred edge of ur mirrors.

Now I’m waiting for him to come collect the dog. I even messaged civilly asking so.. If u don’t reply by the time the hand swings past the next mention of an hour, you will not be able to take her.

I need help. Yes in my brain and body, but in this house. Iwant to rid it of ur furniture, ur belongings, ur essence. I am too frail to accomplish such a task. My mind is wavering along the highway of giving up. Sleeps tormented with countless smiles from u. then ripped apart with fire bursting from the centre. I have lost my innocence. I will never be as sweet, loving,caring or giving within a relationship. I am tainted, stale of the stench, a broken wish bone. Mendable only to a certain extent, whilst the scarring evidence of my cracked fortay is visable for all to see.

I want to rid my life of everything. Everything in it..Sometimes I think friends too.I have the skills to make new ones. It would be so much easier. Maybe I dont want to make new ones. Maybe I just don’t want to be here  anymore. I can’t deal with this rollercoaster of life.. The intense ups and the incredablydefying lows. I am spent. Wasted. Giving up. Well not giving up. I have tried my hardest.

I had three nice men ask for my number throughout last night. Right in front of him too. Oh self confidence, how you rise at the most unexplainable times. Where are u when I need you today? In my phone. The calls and texts from many unknown. Willing me to look good, speak well and be funny. Maybe I’m oozing charm. The opportunities are endless. But on a miserable day where I can’t see through the rain, I would like to sit in ones arms, talk about life. I’ve never had that before. Even with the devil, he would never allow me such comfort. My tears were never wiped away, my smiles never embraced and my views never challenged nor agreed upon. I wasted three years. I badly want it back. Not with him, but those years. The most youthfull years of my life. Gone to an unappreciative waste of space. Forgotten like an unmarked grave. lost like the wick of a burnt out candle. Impossible to retrace.

I am trapped in a life I neither want and can’t escape. Maybe I can.

I hate you

I hate you for the person you have turned me into.

I will forever be ruined for nice men in the future.

I get to see you briefly tonight. And i wish I could murder u and torture u. But then you wouldn’t spend the rest of ur life wanting me back like I know you will.

Don’t annoy me, I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

REVENGE LADY’S RULES

1. Get mad….then get even.  It’s justice, plain and simple.

2. Revenge is healthy. Don’t listen to those mealymouths who tell you otherwise.  You’re teaching people to behave better.  At the same time you’re getting icky poisonous feelings out of your system once and for all.  What could be healthier?

3. Remember, Karma is a good thing.  Be sure everyone gets his or hers…in this lifetime. You’re helping to bring the scales of justice back into balance and restore order to the universe.

4. Revenge is excellent self-therapy. It’s far cheaper than a therapist and much healthier than pigging out on a box of donuts.

5. The punishment should always fit the crime. In other words, don’t go nuclear over something trivial.

6. Always aim your revenge where it hurts the most.  Go right for the jugular.

7. Let your creativity blossom.  Don’t go for cliches like slashing tires. Yawn. Be original. Enjoy yourself. Give your mark an experience they’ll never ever forget.

8. Don’t break the law.

9. If you have to do something you’re not proud of, be sure to cover your tracks well.

10. Have fun. If you can end up laughing at the jerk who wronged you, you’re well on your way to being over it.

11. Once revenge is consummated, move on. It’s over.

- Dammit!! Why didn’t I see this a few weeks ago!! Prob would have helped alot.. Oh well.. I’m too happy for revenge now. Moment has passed. I’m so pleased with myself. I’M FUCKING SINGLE!! Does anyone have any idea how awesome that is? How much fun I am going to (or already) have?

The Friend

 

I heard from a friend.
A Friend I haven’t actually caught up with in three years. It’s amazing how people come from the woodworks at a time where you most want to reconnect with people.
She is going through similar shit to me. But hers if far more worse. Well kind of. Different in way. She broke up with her ex 5 weeks ago. He left her. She is stunning. He met someone else. She went nuts.

I asked how she coped with it (having only just gone past the two week post myself).
She said Great. Then Bad, Then Great.
I asked her if I could write on here about what she did. She said yes. No one I know knows her. She is safe. So she spoke and I scribed.

In the five weeks she has been “single”, she has slept with six men. To regain her confidence she said. It didn’t feel so great the next morning but at least she was “wanted”.

Did she know these men? Yes and no. One was a workmate, One was her ex’s close mate, One was a Maori she met in a bar, One was her ex, One was an old flame and one was a traveller. She was only sober with her ex. She was on pills with the old flame and the Maori, Stoned with the workmate and can’t remember actually doing it with the close mate or the traveller. (Yes I had to handwrite and brainstorm this to understand. I’m surprised she remembers)

With all these men is was unprotected. I interrupted with the lecture of safe-sex I am known for giving. She didn’t care. She was too hurt and raw to care what the consequences where. And so far, there have been none. (However I am going to take her to the doc’s quick smart)

Would she ever considering doing again with them? No, they were quickies. One night stands not to be repeated. Some of them have wanted her; some have not bothered contacting her again. She likes it that way.

She laughs as she boasts that 3 of them were on the same weekend. She has not had sex for a week now though. She is over it. She thinks if she should have sex again, it would be to get paid for it.

 

So, that’s an interesting take on relationship break-up survival. Not necessarily one I would follow but some interesting points. If I were to have slept with everyone I could have, well I would probably have the same evil view on the world and men as she does. She is intense with hate. I don’t want to become that person. (Plus I would need to find six men to sleep with! God the effort that would involve!!)

I hope I look back in post in 5 weeks with a complete different frame of mind as her. I hope I am happy and full of hope.

I asked if she was depressed, she said yes and no. But the drugs help a lot. But she could never go over the edge – that would be letting her ex win she said. And she wants to see him suffer. Whether that takes years she said, she wants to be able to watch karma eat him and vomit him out the other side.

Nice…

Unlucky Day 13..

So.. I think I’m breaking.

 I haven’t been sober in the evenings for the past 12 or 13 days (I don’t even know how long its been anymore)

I’ve done things I regret and don’t feel any better for doing it.

I haven’t taken my meds in a week because I can’t be fucked going through your shit to find my script, and even if I did find it I wouldn’t be able to afford it because I’m so fucking broke as it also appears as of last night you haven’t paid the Gas or Electricity in a while aswell.

 I am glad I’m back at work. It’s a good distraction. But today for the first time, I woke up crying and drove to work crying. Just like I used to the whole time we’ve been together this year. And u hasn’t even done any more to me. But I am back to crying. I feel like a black hole is eating me from the inside out. This Black feeling was here a few months ago. I hate it. It gives me bad thoughts and feelings. It feels like a tonne of tiny maggots crawling under my skin and eating my nerve endings.

 You stole my dog. You’re a fuckin asshole.

You put me through all this then tell me to wait? Then don’t wait. Then wait.

 I’m only telling u that by the time u comes back (and u will) it will be too late. I will have moved on or become such a better person that I don’t need someone so evil like u in my life.

 We could have helped each other. We knew there was something wrong. Yet neither of us took actual steps towards changing things. I did, I changed everything u wanted. I stopped doing everything that annoyed u or pissed u off. And that’s where its nuts really, u think being in relationship means the other person should be perfect. You must surely realise u love the other person despite of their faults. Maybe you don’t.

 We could start again. We could move somewhere close to the water. Start having separate life’s still yet coming home to each other or knowing the other one would still be there at the end of the day waiting to hear about it.

 I’m not coping today. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be here. I want to be far away and pretend like this never happened. I want to run away.

 I have a continues sharp pain that runs across my skull. It stops my movements and speech as suddenly as it comes and goes. I don’t know whether its alcohol related. Probably is.

 How am I still able to drink if I’m so broke? Disgusting as it is, and I swore never to do it.. I bought 2x 4Lcasks for $20. Insane. So cheap. Didn’t expect one to only last one night though.