Holidays

I’ve started taking my meds again, seems I forget to on the weekends sometimes. I feel so much better now! The tears, anger, pain and rash decisions have stopped. I bailed on last night’s lesson, the temptation  would have been too hard to refuse… I want to take a vow of celibacy. Which will be hard considering how much I enjoy passion, But perhaps I will wait till I find someone worth it, decent, and special.

I submitted 21 applications over the night, for positions around the world. For one company, doing what I love. The next week will be held in anticipation. Of course I will remain distracted upon my arrival in Sydney this coming Friday. The drinks are waiting, the men are waiting, the clubs are waiting,  My family is waiting, to partying, catch up, fall in love with Sydney, to tempt me to move there. My cousin is 19yrs old. Party girls run in the family. She is organising my entire trip. Including picking me up from the airport on Friday. I’m not sure how long I will be there actually. I need to make it up to the Gold Coast by the end of the month, I’m hitchhiking up the coast, I want to spend a night in Newscastle, because I can.

In QLD, apart from the family, I am watching the Indi Races from a high rise apartment with a girlfriend who lives with a rotating average of 5 hot guys. She has booked me a bed, although it will most likely be shared

Drink. Drank.Drunk. Clubbing. For the first time in my life, I can go on holidays not only alone, but without the hassle of having to check back in with anyone, feel guilt and shy away from the world. Welcome back Life, I’ve been waiting for you. Do me good and fun, and I will appreciate you even more.

PS:  I would like to see D today. But I need to catchup on sleep. Perhaps a phone call will suffice.

Therapy

I went to my first session today. It went well. I felt relief wash over me as I descended back to the proton. There we’re many tears, fears and realizations. Yes I would be considered on the side of the fence which procrastinates with their rum. Although I stopped drinking rum because I didn’t like the way it came back out. I had issues to talk to about the Chef. My kind of boyfriend. Well he was my boyfriend, till today, prior to my session. So I went in there with a a bit of haste and resentment towards our nations protectors, but I left with someone else in my memory. With the ball of love, happiness, comfortness, sanctuary of the bucket of feelings I once had and shared. He is the stem of my problem. My reason for grief. I knew that anyway, I just forget. Whilst I have moved on, and past the longing of wanting that cute evilness in my life, I hold out for the feeling of love. It doesn’t matter the subject or object of ones affections, it was the subtle knowing that no matter what you did, you would still be loved and not judged by this one person, whilst the rest of the world stood and laughed. It’s like losing yourself she said. What I had built up, shared, discovered, lived with one, it would be abnormal but to feel this pain. How I deal and address with such an arising emotion is another thing.

I also start hypnosis next week. I also start my celebacy. I also start  living my life without my favourite form of entertainment. My beloved Kiwi family – Outrageous Fortune. Series Six is in production. Wow, off topic, must be high. Someone is here, they are in my driveway, I can hear the grunt of the engine, the shrill of the belts. It stopped. Actually I think it was just my neighbours.

I’m attempting to cook tonight. Roast Chicken. I hope I get to sleep early tonight. 4am gettup’s are NOT cool no matter how early you get to finish. I want to go fishing, To walk along the rivers edge, The beach! Oh how nice it would be to walk upon the remains of a million, million year old shells.

I feel no anger for you anymore. None. Even if I try!! There was no anger today, my tears were of thankfulness, thankful that you allowed to break us both out of such unhappiness. I feel I have grown a thousand years older. I could not have called myself a woman had I not known this experience. I thank thee, for saving us both. *Raise Glasses and clink together*

PS: I still hope one day my own kids will be as cute as you were as one.

Dear Me, Please Help me, Love Me.

I feel trapped again. The enlightenment I feel is short lived. Without trying, I know I am hurting others. Either I have or am about to. Why can’t everything just go easy? Maybe because others press their requirements, needs and wants of me, admirations used as subtle blackmail. Now my actions I have/am taking, are going to affect the promises made to those who bled it out of me like water from a stone. Do I be honest and come clean and not be pre-judged nor judgemental of myself? Take life as a grain of salt? Or lie, cover up the truth and pretend I am still in bliss of basking in the colours of the rainbow.

 

I have abused my body in a way I never thought I would again. I don’t remember much of three days. I felt like I was living in a 70’s dream. Trapped in a room, surround by dozens upon dozens of empty bottles tainted with the wisping smoke of many cigarettes wafting into the tiny abode. My skin covered in sweat, trickles of absinthe, yager and chocolate liquors stain the white flesh of my body. My mind is struggling to remember five minutes ago, every few minutes. I feel like a tiny child, trapped yet exploring the world for the first time. Abandoning all insecurities and sharing one soul with another. Once it all ended, I must have inner strength, to stop myself from swaying off the path I have built the past few years. Self respect and willpower are one of a kind. A skill I shall need to master, but is oh so fun to let go of.

Dear Diary

I wish you would move away. And change your password on things. And stop talking to the same people as me. Actually it would probably be easier if you just died. Yes, I think it would be. No more stress, or worries. Silver would move on. I just wish you would leave me to nest in my own little world. Go back home where you belong. Maybe I should be the better person and leave. Afterall, I was only here because of you. Where can I go back to? I don’t belong anywhere. You stole it all from me. Tainted with sarcastic remarks, cut-off quotes and putdowns, Guilt trips and manipulation. You did it all. I wish I hadn’t been so nice about this breakup now. You really are a faggoty maggot ridden, slime coated mound of a poor excuse for Ratshit in which holds the rabies and the black plague…

Phew, glad that’s over. Thankfully I had three calls from aspiring men.. Hold on, another call..

So many men, so many reasons to stay single. Oh wait. I’m not anymore

Yes a decision of exclusivity was made. Minus the bullshit that comes with having a ‘full on’ or full time relationship. He leaves for two weeks tomorrow. Perfect for relaxation. Besides, I am over the life I maintained for a short period of time. The stories, amount of people/men, the laughter, the waking up moments, the drinking, the drugs, dear me, no one would ever talk to me again. Only my Gal understands. We are one of two souls. No one will understand our friendship.

I am embracing this new ‘feeling’ of being treated with respect, like a princess – no queen! I have done all to embrace bar denouncing this news my Dancer Boi.. I think he is getting the picture, my absences to his calls/texts is leaving the trail cold. I feel bad, he is too much of an awesomeness being for me to wish or grant any kind of sadness upon him. Or to leave a door behind open perhaps? Who knows, I know nothing about this life I serve. I must just idly swim through it at a pace I am most comfort with.

Dear Diary,
Today I let go of him.
It hurt like fuck.
Please never let me go through pain like that again.
Thankyou.
All my love, Becky

Ashtray Heart

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. 

~Judy Garland

 

My mind is a paradox of lost pathways. Thoughts disintegrate into portals of imagination. Imagination is intelligence having fun. Perhaps it’s just the delusional walk of my life suffering from the lack of empathy I provide to myself. Existing on a mere 2-3hrs sleep a night. Last night was less. I am controlled by the sways of others requests. There is not enough seconds of reality in my world. If I could stay awake forever I would get much more done. Instead on my night of rest I palpably waste the grains of darkness in the comfort of similar creatures. The ramblings of voices, visions of opinions and the sultry lustre of eyes shaking, struggling to stay focused and alive. Sleep creeps up and is snatched just as quick. I try in vain to savour the taste of relaxation, the energy gained thus used in the remembrance of kindred hope.

Choices

Choice B

He writes and reads poetry to me.
Protects me from the road edge as we walk.
Laughs deep and strong.
Gazes at me intently.
Calls me wonderful names.
Treats me like a princess.
Brushes the hair from my eyes when I speak.
Has Dry humour and wit
Clasps my face and lower back as we kiss.
Wants to make our time special.
Kisses with sensual passion.
Speaks with amazing agility and softness.
Tickles my neck.
Has an awesome taste in music.
Is writing his own cookbook.
Holds me within his arms, and strokes my skin for hours whilst kissing me gently on the forehead every few minutes as I sleep.
Was happy to spend the night fully clothed whilst I stayed in my pj’s.
Is worried I don’t want to see him again.
Reaches for my hand as I drive.
Used to be a candy raver.
Wants to open his own restaurant.

“Good morning beautiful, how are you? I had a great sleep, laced with dreams of you. Are you feeling rejuvenated? I dont need an invitation 2 get you naked and pleasure you, long slow and hard. But a gentleman shouldnt say that… It will be great 2 have the place 2 myself. You can come 4 a sleep over, we can have a pillow fight and popcorn! See you for our Second amazing date soon beautiful Woman xo”

 

Choice A 

 Wants things to be special.
Calls me a few times a day to talk.
Travels far to visit me as often as he can.
Makes me laugh constantly.
We never run out of things to talk about.
Runs me warm baths.
Tucks me back into bed after he makes me breakfast.
Loves to cuddle.
Touches me when he talks to me.
Loves to have long showers with me.
Hugs me all the time.
Encourages me to have goals.
Helps me be honest.
Is honest with me.
Is scared of losing me.
Makes plans for next year with me.
Organises outings, holidays and weekends away.
Holds me tender when we kiss.
Gives me little momento’s.
Able to communicate everything.
Gets on with my friends.
Lets me pick any movie..
Calls me Princess and treats me like one.
Kisses my forehead as often as he can.
Is in my dreams when I sleep.
Has never been in love before.
Wants be a paramedic.

 ”This is a little scary for me so im taking the chicken way and txting u, but i would like to tell u that im developing feelings for well above just a friend, just i thought id tell u and see how u felt, i just dont want some other guy snapping u up with im away. But dont get me wrong im totaly happy the way things are just thought id let u know,xo”

Staring at a ladybug resting on my face..

Sunday Bloody Sunday.

I don’t know why I chose to start this blog with the pretence that I had just become single. Fact is we really did break up last year. I’ve been living in my own separate room for most of the time I’ve lived in this house. And that was a year last week. The last time I remember I was allowed the privilege of ‘pleasure’ with him was Christmas morning. Although I wouldn’t really consider 4 seconds ‘Pleasure’ for me. I chose to write this blog because he finally decided to move out. I had packed his stuff and bags and placed it in his ute many times this year. But he said it was easier to still live together, just not be together. I spose when he finally listened to me and moved out I had more time on my hands. Time to allow me to discover myself. I wasn’t spending time cleaning (although I should probably start doing that again with the state of my house), cooking for him and spending all my time taking care of him. Even though we weren’t together, I was nice about it, I felt bad I had kicked him and he had nowhere to go. I felt it was the least I could do, take care of him. Thank god I don’t need to anymore. I am starting to take care of myself..

Starting with food. I had breakfast prepared by the Chef. It was healthy. Oats with protein powder and fruit (berries). I couldn’t even eat it all. He said If I ate the energy food in the morning, at medium size at lunch and small amount at dinner, I would see the results shortly. I can already see them, although it’s from the fact I’ve been so busy the past few weeks and I’ve been burning my energy with the chef the past weeks via intense talking.. But I don’t know what to do about the Chef. He is so sweet. He cooked and packed up lunches for me to last two days. I could see myself falling very easy. Time to pull in the reins. I don’t want a relationship again. I don’t think I want one ever again in my life. Once bitten, forever shy. And the Chef is 25 and has never had a ‘girlfriend’. That fact alone scares me. I am so sick of being the ‘first’ serious relationship. Training them to become perfect for the next one. Giving them the experience and skills to be able to handle a relationship for real the next time. My exes have or are close to being married after me. Some even have kids. I have even been thanked by some of their gf’s/wives. For making their men perfect. Not in a mocking bad way or anything. But in a genuine way. I want to find someone who’s been trained already. It’s not fair.

I am at home. Relaxing with my dog.
I had my 4^th date with the Chef, and although wonderful. I am left unsatisfied due to my own shyness. I would call him now and tell him, yes I want to spend the night with him. But I won’t. I wish I would. But I can’t.

I thought I wanted the attention of many a man. But I have all week with only one. And now I don’t want any. I feel I am too good. I feel I will never be appreciated by the kind of people I want, and I will forever spend my life trying to please others who will never put in the same effort as me. Even friends.

I want to know the meaning of life.
So I am going to look it up in the dictionary.

Intimacy

She lay aside him, curled up in unquestionable contentment.
He caresses the curve of her spine with the delicate touch of his fingers.
Feeling every shudder of ecstasy pulsing through her body.
Listening to the pant of her breath
Watching her in bewilderment.
He relishes the taste of her on his hands, breathing in her scent still lingering on his lips.
They lay curled to each other, energy connected and overflowing.
Basking in the radiance of sexual emotion.
Wondering if it will ever happen again.

Being Lonely..

I’m starting to get lonely.
They say Sunday is the hardest day of the week for single beings, I understand why.
I’m learning so much, I can’t believe I hadn’t allowed myself to experience this freedom in life before. Here I was thinking I’d experienced the most of what I had needed to for my age, mostly more than most. Yet I was not exposed to the most common form of human emotion until now/recently.

 I don’t miss him. I just miss the company. Its really funny, I am now used to coming home and not expecting him to be there, or to arrive just as it gets dark.

 I haven’t cried since last week. I almost did last night. But I’m not crying for him. I’m so glad I’m free of him and his sickening sadness that seeps from his pores, but I am crying for the company. For that complete feeling of belonging, being able to tell someone about the interesting and funny things of my day, like the 70yr old tranny in the chemist who walks everywhere with a mini suitcase and talks to everyone. Or the dispute with eBay and how I’m fucking them over (the seller anyways), or thing’s I’ve (prev: we’ve) been invited to, weighing up the pro’s and cons of each and deciding on what to do.

 Standing in the vet together discussing which toy to get the dog (we always got all the ones she wanted). Now I’m tearing up. (It must be girl pre-time)  Not for him. For the fear of being alone. I don’t know how to do it. I’ve never done it before. I am going to have to learn and learn quickly. I’ve been alone in a sense anyway. Both physically and emotionally. I just needed that extra push. And I’m free falling off a cliff trying to figure out the best position to arrange my body in preparation for the crash landing. The easiest way to pick myself up, dust the dirt off and carry forward into the direction that calls.

 I know I could easily slide into another relationship, I’ve always done that. But I don’t want to. I’m older now and a little bit wiser (not much). I want to experience something I never have before, and that’s being alone. If I can conquer that, then I am ready for anything and anyone. I need to discover myself, love myself and appreciate myself before I can expect anyone else to. I want me to be number one in my life. Me to be the main focus of my thoughts. Be selfish to what I want.

 I’ve been getting a lot done lately. Both rooms are freshly made and display no reminisces of him. I am alternating between the two. One has an electric blanket but is plagued with the sound of mice, the other is massive and the most comfy sleep in the world.

 I’m making appointments and organising things I’ve needed to for quite some time. I’m finally getting my eyes done this evening; I’ve always wanted to wear glasses at work. Now I probably will. I’m getting tested for nasties, I know I don’t need to, I’m safe and not a slut so the chances are pretty slim, but he may have cheated on me. I also got my pill script (phew) yet I still can’t find my med script. I think he took it. But I’m sure I’m doing pretty damn well without them. Especially since I stopped drinking 5 days ago. Doc’s say you should never stop taking them suddenly. Well I did, the day the finalization was made. And not once did the thought of doing something stupid (apart from burning clothes etc) ever enter my mind. Well maybe it did on bad days, but I can’t remember the bad days. I was so wasted the memory of them are clouded by a dark thunderstorm, and I don’t want to reach my hand in to gather the thoughts for fear of being sucked back into it.

 I appreciate life a lot more now. I miss my family terribly. Maybe that can be my next step. Unburn the bridges and forgive my mother. For after all, I am simply following in her footsteps (minus a 3 yr old) and I can’t blame her for not learning about life as quick as I hope to. I Love you mum. Just stop being a bitch to me. Thankyou. I’m not as strong as I act. And I really needed you the past few months, fuck I’ve needed you my whole life. But really you were never there, so technically, I have always been alone in the end anyway.

 

A Mother holds their childrens hands a while & their hearts forever..

 

The Friend

 

I heard from a friend.
A Friend I haven’t actually caught up with in three years. It’s amazing how people come from the woodworks at a time where you most want to reconnect with people.
She is going through similar shit to me. But hers if far more worse. Well kind of. Different in way. She broke up with her ex 5 weeks ago. He left her. She is stunning. He met someone else. She went nuts.

I asked how she coped with it (having only just gone past the two week post myself).
She said Great. Then Bad, Then Great.
I asked her if I could write on here about what she did. She said yes. No one I know knows her. She is safe. So she spoke and I scribed.

In the five weeks she has been “single”, she has slept with six men. To regain her confidence she said. It didn’t feel so great the next morning but at least she was “wanted”.

Did she know these men? Yes and no. One was a workmate, One was her ex’s close mate, One was a Maori she met in a bar, One was her ex, One was an old flame and one was a traveller. She was only sober with her ex. She was on pills with the old flame and the Maori, Stoned with the workmate and can’t remember actually doing it with the close mate or the traveller. (Yes I had to handwrite and brainstorm this to understand. I’m surprised she remembers)

With all these men is was unprotected. I interrupted with the lecture of safe-sex I am known for giving. She didn’t care. She was too hurt and raw to care what the consequences where. And so far, there have been none. (However I am going to take her to the doc’s quick smart)

Would she ever considering doing again with them? No, they were quickies. One night stands not to be repeated. Some of them have wanted her; some have not bothered contacting her again. She likes it that way.

She laughs as she boasts that 3 of them were on the same weekend. She has not had sex for a week now though. She is over it. She thinks if she should have sex again, it would be to get paid for it.

 

So, that’s an interesting take on relationship break-up survival. Not necessarily one I would follow but some interesting points. If I were to have slept with everyone I could have, well I would probably have the same evil view on the world and men as she does. She is intense with hate. I don’t want to become that person. (Plus I would need to find six men to sleep with! God the effort that would involve!!)

I hope I look back in post in 5 weeks with a complete different frame of mind as her. I hope I am happy and full of hope.

I asked if she was depressed, she said yes and no. But the drugs help a lot. But she could never go over the edge – that would be letting her ex win she said. And she wants to see him suffer. Whether that takes years she said, she wants to be able to watch karma eat him and vomit him out the other side.

Nice…