And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.

I know the reason for it being as it has lately. Why I sleep with a candle burning next to my slumberess head. I feel the breeze and touch of the spirits, I hear the laughter and singing they bring with their presence, the crying and weeping they try to hide from you. I’m not sure why she is so persistant with death lately. I guiltily should have realised sooner. I diassociate the lapse of time I should never forget. So pressed into my mind are nightmares. The most vivid and creative ways of death, pain and torture upon my soul. I do not ask for this. I hate this.

I slept 23  hours straight over the weekend, not from cause of my own. My body was trapped, under my mind which forever churned out the dreams and events before my internal eye, not allowing my body to function and awake itself.

I dreamt of rape. By someone I am fearful of. He came to my house, held me down, My screams muffled by the sting of his fist against my face. The throbbing of pain between my legs and the arch of my back in a wrongful unnatural position. I tried screaming. Nobody came until it was too late. I was found bruised and bloody slumped against a wall.  He walked away laughing. This is a dream I remember so vividly but wish not to at all.

I dreamt of fire. Burning housefire. We were pulled from it safely. But as I watch the flames lick closer to where my written and photographic posistions were held, I sobbed and reached out for all my memories soon to be lost. No place left in the world, no record of my existance being able to remain through such force. I ran back into the house. Clutching and ducking the beams of fire above my head. I reached the bookshelf, I touched my albums and diaries of years gone by. They turned to dust.  The fire hadn’t even reached that area yet, but somehow, life did not want these possesions to remain. I let the blackbness ofthe charred smoke fill my lungs, sting my eyes, and the carbon dioxide to take my conciousness.

I dreamt of death. The death of a baby. I was in another life, perhaps myself older, mature, calmer and above all, happy. I was surround by love and warmth, and carried a beautiful double set golden pair of rings upon my wedding finger. In my dream, I tried to recall the other aspects of my life, who was I sharing it with, where was I living? But my dream did not want me to know all this, just understand I was happy in my time. I felt sensations in my abdomen, and remembered a flash of a warm embrace with someone and realised I was pregnant. The dream focused in fast succesion the process of change upon my body. From subtle growth, to the gentle bubble like feeling of when the child moved inside me. The happiness at baby showers, lotioning the growing skin, Laughter and soft pink colours of a nursery. The the day arrived, I was surrounded by loved ones, the pain of giving birth in a dream was rather frightening, but overtaken by adrenelin. The bundle arrived, the room went silent. A bundle wrapped in pink was taken out of the room. I searched the eyes of the attending people lingering in the room, their eyes showed sadness, beyond belief. I wanted to know what was wrong? Why was there no crying coming from the other room, why was no one acknowledging me? I jumped out of bed, and ran into the adjoining room. There before my eyes, was a hollow, lifeless gray body of something so tiny and miraculous, it looked like it wasn’t even there. I had given birth to a child who had already passed on.

I dreamt others like the three above. Each time waking up sobbing, screaming, exhausted, irrational and dillusional. But to relive the rest of them, in order to detail them in words, would exhaust me even more. Just the memories of such visions, so real and life like, that my brain still has trouble deciding the difference between reality and not. I don’t want to know to be honest. Sleep allows me to avoid all in life. Well I thought it did. I want to sleep to escape my reality, but my sleeping mind is now worse that real life. I’m scared to go to sleep, and scared to stay awake. Is there not some place between I can substantiate a viewing glass of life? Yet not be involved as much as I am at the moment… I’m scared of the next second, the next phone call, the next email, the next letter, the next conversation with someone around me, scared of tomorrow, of tonight, of deciding anything from lunch to where should I be on my break. When I make a decision, I’m scared its the wrong one. I’m not normally like this, but I feel as though I given the reigns of my soul to someone else for a while. No one in particular, just in auto-pilot mode whilst I take a break. Oh how badly do I need a break…

I feel the same and I wanna meet her..

Yes it has been long since I have posted. In truth my life has become uneventful and boring somewhat, albeit still busy and full of dates..
Just more toned down. Relaxed. I even spent 2 hrs today cleaning my house. I got a beautiful incense, Sea Breeze, and as the wind blows freely from window to open door, I taste the essence of sand and freedom upon my mouth.

My mouth, my mouth has been the centre of all things sweet, Creme Brule, soft kisses of lovers once loved, kisses hundreds of feet in the air glazing down to the city below, kisses of morning wakeups and the voices of intelligence. I am 100% at peace with myself, no longer do I crave the attention, I avoid it. It still follows me, but I am happy to ignore. The more I retract, the more they are enticed. I’m growing elegant, Stylish and mindful of how I look to others. Never once did I think I would be the kind of girl to touch up her lipstick or blush in the toilet stalls of the many places I inhabit. But I read somewhere, that when  you are single and free, to present ones self well, brings self-confidence, and happiness.. Never mind I am not trying to impress anyone, but merely when I happen to glance in the rear view mirror and am taken back by a female who takes the time now, to perhaps wash and straighten her hair, and wear lip gloss… I feel like staring in a country song, tom boy goes wild, moves to high heals, mildly more fashionable clothes and an awareness of calm, serenity and self-love that leaves trails where she walks. That’s me. I’m so very happy.

I’ve started cooking.. Much to the delight of my Gal… It must mean I’m happy, I love to cook, and I took a break from it so many moons ago..

Therapy

I went to my first session today. It went well. I felt relief wash over me as I descended back to the proton. There we’re many tears, fears and realizations. Yes I would be considered on the side of the fence which procrastinates with their rum. Although I stopped drinking rum because I didn’t like the way it came back out. I had issues to talk to about the Chef. My kind of boyfriend. Well he was my boyfriend, till today, prior to my session. So I went in there with a a bit of haste and resentment towards our nations protectors, but I left with someone else in my memory. With the ball of love, happiness, comfortness, sanctuary of the bucket of feelings I once had and shared. He is the stem of my problem. My reason for grief. I knew that anyway, I just forget. Whilst I have moved on, and past the longing of wanting that cute evilness in my life, I hold out for the feeling of love. It doesn’t matter the subject or object of ones affections, it was the subtle knowing that no matter what you did, you would still be loved and not judged by this one person, whilst the rest of the world stood and laughed. It’s like losing yourself she said. What I had built up, shared, discovered, lived with one, it would be abnormal but to feel this pain. How I deal and address with such an arising emotion is another thing.

I also start hypnosis next week. I also start my celebacy. I also start  living my life without my favourite form of entertainment. My beloved Kiwi family – Outrageous Fortune. Series Six is in production. Wow, off topic, must be high. Someone is here, they are in my driveway, I can hear the grunt of the engine, the shrill of the belts. It stopped. Actually I think it was just my neighbours.

I’m attempting to cook tonight. Roast Chicken. I hope I get to sleep early tonight. 4am gettup’s are NOT cool no matter how early you get to finish. I want to go fishing, To walk along the rivers edge, The beach! Oh how nice it would be to walk upon the remains of a million, million year old shells.

I feel no anger for you anymore. None. Even if I try!! There was no anger today, my tears were of thankfulness, thankful that you allowed to break us both out of such unhappiness. I feel I have grown a thousand years older. I could not have called myself a woman had I not known this experience. I thank thee, for saving us both. *Raise Glasses and clink together*

PS: I still hope one day my own kids will be as cute as you were as one.

Dear Me, Please Help me, Love Me.

I feel trapped again. The enlightenment I feel is short lived. Without trying, I know I am hurting others. Either I have or am about to. Why can’t everything just go easy? Maybe because others press their requirements, needs and wants of me, admirations used as subtle blackmail. Now my actions I have/am taking, are going to affect the promises made to those who bled it out of me like water from a stone. Do I be honest and come clean and not be pre-judged nor judgemental of myself? Take life as a grain of salt? Or lie, cover up the truth and pretend I am still in bliss of basking in the colours of the rainbow.

 

I have abused my body in a way I never thought I would again. I don’t remember much of three days. I felt like I was living in a 70’s dream. Trapped in a room, surround by dozens upon dozens of empty bottles tainted with the wisping smoke of many cigarettes wafting into the tiny abode. My skin covered in sweat, trickles of absinthe, yager and chocolate liquors stain the white flesh of my body. My mind is struggling to remember five minutes ago, every few minutes. I feel like a tiny child, trapped yet exploring the world for the first time. Abandoning all insecurities and sharing one soul with another. Once it all ended, I must have inner strength, to stop myself from swaying off the path I have built the past few years. Self respect and willpower are one of a kind. A skill I shall need to master, but is oh so fun to let go of.

People

Sometimes people come into your life and you know
right away that they were meant to be there, to serve
some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help
you figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be – a roommate, a
neighbor, a professor, a friend, a lover, or even a
complete stranger – but when you lock eyes with them,
you know at that very moment they will affect your
life in some profound way.
Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible,
painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you
find that without overcoming those obstacles you would
have never realized your potential, strength,
willpower, or heart.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness,
and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of
your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they
may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight
flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and
comfortable, but
dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the
success and downfalls you experience, help to create
who you are and who you become. Even the bad
experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are
sometimes
the most important ones.

If someone loves you, give love back to them in
whatever way you can, not only because they love you,
but because in a way, they are teaching you to love
and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your
heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn
about trust and the importance of being cautious to
whom you open your heart.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and
take from those moments everything that you possibly
can for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people that you have never talked to before,
and listen to what they have to say.

Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your
sights high. Hold your head up because you have every
right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual
and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in
yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in
you.

You can make anything you wish of your life. Create
your own life and then go out and live it with
absolutely no regrets.

And if you love someone tell them, for you never know
what tomorrow may have in store.

The memory of the Start..

You know when you have so much to drink, you have no idea in the world what happened the night before? and one day a few months later u’re in the shower or brushing your teeth or stuck in traffic and you suddenly have a wash back of memories? You finally remember!! Yay… or Nay..

I don’t remember much of my 21st, at all really. I’m normally a responsible drinker (obviously until that night). I couldn’t figure out why I let myself drink that much.

I was just putting on eyeliner, getting ready for the night and I had this wave of a flashback where you stand straight and stare  into nothing as if you’re watching the memory play out in front of you. Well it was of my 21st. 20 minutes after I turned 21 in America, yet It had been my birthday for 12 hrs back in Australia. And I hadn’t heard from him. To be honest when he called that night, it was the only time he called me on my whole 10 day holiday. even when I was stranded with no money because i left all my credit cards and money at home.

He called, he said happy birthday. I said thankyou, mentioned that it already been all day where he was, why didn’t he call me earlier or send a message. He said he hadn’t wanted to ruin my night. He said he was moving out. I should have been elated as thats what we both wanted for so long. Said he would be gone by the time i got back.

So i came home from America, elated and full of esteem and determined for a new journey on life. I came home, my friends all raced around and i told them stories over wine and presents and a bbq.

But then he walked through the front door. He hadn’t moved out. I ignored him, all night till he cornered me. Took all my new found energy away in a single second. Why couldn’t he have movd out then. before I got back. It would have made everything so much easier. And i was under the impression I would come home to my own house..

Oh well…

Life feels good now. I love it.

Six things science has revealed about the female orgasm

The G spot is real

The G spot is a small region in the vagina that, if stimulated, can produce wildly intense orgasms – or so the popular claim goes. However, for decades, strong evidence for the region’s existence was harder to find than the spot itself.

However, in 2008, an Italian research team found anatomical differences between women who could have G-spot orgasms and women who couldn’t; apparently solving the mystery. The researchers have since begun teaching women with G spots how to put them to use.

The brain switches off

It’s folk wisdom that people can’t think straight when they have sex on their minds, but when women have an orgasm most of their brains switch off.

A brain scanning study showed that many areas of women’s brains were deactivated during orgasm, including those involved in emotion. The effect was less striking in men, but that may be because male orgasms are so short they are hard to detect in a brain scan.

Many women can’t have orgasms

According to a 1999 survey, around 43 per cent of women in the US have some sort of problem with their sex lives (Journal of the American Medical Association, vol 281, page 537).
Female sexual dysfunction (FSD) is so common that the very idea that it is a medical disorder has come under attack. If nearly half the female population has a problem, say critics, does that mean it is our society that is dysfunctional?
Even so, efforts to develop drugs to treat it are underway. The impotence drug Viagra has had mixed results in women, but there are many other avenues being explored.

Genes affect orgasm frequency

According to the first genetic study of the female orgasm, up to 45 per cent of the variation in women’s ability to have them could be down to genes.
Many women never have orgasms during intercourse, and some also cannot have them through masturbation. Some of this may be down to external factors like upbringing, but the study showed the genetic factor is significant.

Technology can help

Perhaps the most extreme solution is the so-called “orgasmatron”; an implant inserted into the spinal cord, which stimulates the user when switched on via a remote control.

Despite an initial struggle to find subjects for clinical testing, the device is now in development.

Some mystery remains

The female orgasm is a puzzle for evolutionary biologists. It is unclear why women should have orgasms at all, and it is particularly baffling that so many women should be unable to have orgasms during penetrative sex, but able to have them by masturbation.

According to researcher Elisabeth Lloyd, that implies that female orgasms are an evolutionary accident. Like male nipples, they persist simply because there is no good reason to get rid of them.