Confidence Boosters

Really pissed off right now. Georgina is a total bitch to Serena, I have no idea how one person can be that nasty in only two hours!! And I mean Dan, his dads right, he is too judgemental of others, and Serena should learn to open up to those close to her.. Gossip Girl is so damn addicted.

Its Friday night, I’m curled in my bed watching an addictive tv show, with my dog at my feet and the neighbours next door having a party. Dropped My Gal off at a date, whom she says is hot hot hot hot. Went to lunch, movies then timezone today. entered the pub for 15 minutes. Too many people there. And my phone is annoying me. I spoke to Sailor, so good to hear his voice. Might stop in and see him tomorrow. Evil ex also contacted me today. Navy #2 messaged me, even though I’ve ignored him for days. “You’re an Awesome girl,  you will make any guy happy, I just wish it was me”.  Sheraton boy messaged, begging me to go out to dinner with him, I ’seem’ like an amazing chick. An old flame from many moons ago also messaged “Hey sexy how are you? I’ve missed you so much in my life”. I responded that I’m in bed and heading to sleep, his reply? Typical male, although weird as we have always been just friends, well except that time i drove my car onto the board walk, but then he did something horrible and i’ve never looked back, but he is a dear friend that saved me from many years in prison, “The thought of being in the same room as you makes my mind flutter, Sorry if thats full on, but I would find it hard to keep myself away from you, what guy wouldn’t? That day we met 5 years ago, you drew me into your essence and I’ve never found it again. There’s something about you that makes guys like me suffer”

Date from last night did not cease texting me, he’s at a 21st. I’m meant to be at two parties. Too tired.
My gal just arrived home as I was typing this, with the most beautiful male specimen I’ve ever seen, well except my Texan I took home a few months ago. Date from last night called, told me I’m one of the most amazing woman he’s met and can’t wait to take me on a 2nd date. Lunch tomorrow it is. If that goes well, then I’m cooking him dinner Monday. Best be off, about to take my dog for a drive. xoxo, Gossip girl

Stepping back into my own Poetry

Poison brimming upon thy lips, seductive kisses form a twisted soul, releasing itself through thee, May the cum of your cunt, drip acid upon thy dick.

Fire heating the hell within, promises kept unto manipulation, escaping the clutches of ones sword, grasping the weeping that spreads like disease.

Death crosses far from the land, the shadows it brings disembowels all objections, stench of the filth it lingers with them, Tied to connections it vomits within.

Darkness overshadows her pain, Sickness cures the evil outside, Whispers in her ears from the heavens above, laughter of nightmares beckons from hell.

A Whisper from the dead

Hey Darls, Thanx for calling and chin up ok, I know Tami is proud of us and she’s happy but Becky it would be breaking her heart to see you so upset. I don’t blame you for drinking either, I was so bad I was drinking a goon a day, I have slowed down heaps, Drinky maybe once a fortnight, JohJoh costs me lots, lol I might send her back to WA to be with you! I can’t afford her. Anyway, You have a good time and take care. Love you Darlz, Jacquie xx

No More Please

I can’t do it anymore. I’m at my wits end. Nothing helps, nothing cures the burning inside me. Killing every inch of me with every more breathe I take… Nothing consoles the lonliness I have within myself burdened upon my spirit for as long as I;ve been old enough to understand. Sorrow, confusions, losts, alone, hatred, whats wrong with me. why do I have to be such a fucked up freak..

I’m not drinking anymore, or getting off anymore. I’m merely trying to focus on the waves of intensity of emotions and thoughts that are finally able to penetrate my mind. Its like a tidal wave of hateful thoughts, evil commands, punishing voices. I drank to block them out. I take medication to block them out. I look for other self destructive way to explode away from my body, lash out at it as punishment. I know have these…

I just want to stop crying. im so sick of crying, i feel like thats all ive done this year, cry and get pissed. and now im not getting pissed anymore, all i do is seem to cry and cry. Perhaps the meds no longer work. The evil blackness crawls its way back over my deserted skin. It pressures me to calm my pain, heal with pain, makes me feel worthless, used, unwanted. i cant do this anymore, i want this pain to go away.

I’m fearful of abandonment,
Like being left on a burning mountain.
I Envy success,
Disallowing my own to be praised.
Confrontation confuses me,
Like an animal stuffed in a bag.
I fake Pride and Positivity,
So they may never see my pain.
Rip the pieces of flesh from my skin,
As the blood drains, my pain eases..
Chunks of stale hatred for myself,
Dissolving into tainted scars.
This tunnel nevers ends,
The light I see is not the one I wish.
Would it not be easier to rid all of this burden?
Rather than the time of starting again.

I don’t want to go one, I have lived more than most. I hate this sickness inside of me. Nothing makes it ease. I destroy the serenity in place for good to come into my life. I poison and tarnish the vision, the hopes and aspects one must hold. I honestly have no clue, no idea, nothing comes to mind when I think of my future. Everything I’ve wanted up until last week has disappeared into ashes. My hopes and dreams to further my career, all but gone. I am no longer happy, no longer safe, anywhere in this world. I am glad to have seen all of my family the past few weeks. It was to make my going abroad easier for both sides. Now I know its easier for some kind of separation. I call upon the Goddesses I know watch over me, to lead me into the right path. The path of those I care about. No more pain for them either. Disparting of emotions over time.

I am so lonely in this world. I wish someone would understand.

I know you want me, You Know I want ya

Anticipation, relentlessly flows through me, like a desire of unattached devotional emotions. Decisions of greater comfort which result in further disappointment. Do I need a lesson in my own game again? But what if the desire is but such a miraculous symphony? How I do conquer, request, after all, its only for 2 more nights. Sultry? Lustfull? Playing? Beauty? What does one seek? The same as I? How can that be so, I don’t even know.

Lesson Number One.

He’s promised me a lesson. On Cooking. He said its to be themed. Dress up and feel good he continued, the theme is romantic. In addition to this out of character behaviour, he confirms ‘Brews & Bruises’ are to be had. I’m still recovering. I must keep him at bay. I enquired the location, his beautiful kitchen located in a matching apartment, where neighbours can hear the desires, where voyeurism is publicly encouraged from ones window sill, we confuse them, till we fall to the softness as laughter bounces off the walls. He does not mind where, mine or his, he wants me to be comfortable. I want to escape, however I will not pack an overnight bag. This decision will later teach me the values of resisting temptation. He said I shall feast upon a banquet. And end in naughty deserts. His silent sleep as his essence envelopes me into a ball of protected vulnerableness. As much as I miss the feel of ’spooning’ as they call it, I’m happy to allow myself to be the only one privileged enough to. No matter how charming or persistent he may be to shower me in affection. I think he is trying to make up for getting me arrested. But after all, he still thinks I have a boyfriend. I think… Lets keep it that way for now.

I don’t want to relax now. I want to party. I want to drink. I want to have fun. I want to laugh and talk. I think I might go see D. As Much as I have an early start tomorrow, its early on a Sunday afternoon, I can distract him whilst he is working, knowing full well I will leave him to catch the train all the way home. B just called, asking me to attend a beautiful bistro with him for pints. Declined. I was meant to relax this weekend. I didn’t. But I’ve been sober for all of it. Only when the sun starts to rise and my red bull wears off, have i skulled down a few to knock me out. Nothing compared my normal ways of being totalled by lunch. I remember alot more. Its quite wonderful. Everyone else around me is drunk.

The marks on me are unique. I can remember each one, occurance of rationality at the time . My love of addictive tendencies over shadow my character of sombre needs. I feel like I am constantly fighting with myself. And I’m not sure why. Or how exactly. I just know there is a war inside me, hooked daggers pierce the lining of my being, dragging me in many directions, causing undue stress when not having the answers drives me crazy. I think I need relief of all this, how, I do not know, Can I run away? just for a few weeks? Disappear into the unknown. Have no contact with any prior knowns. I can only wish, and dream, and think, and strive and conquer and discover. I’m on my way to paradise creating my own road off the beaten track.

Well Here I am.

Probably the most craziest yet amusingly funny week of my year. A great start off to the season of Spring. This past week alone, I’ve held a party where many a men received broken and fractured noses and cheek bones. Had holes out in my wall, couches covered in blood and a house full of glass. Watched a best mate get taken out by a car whilst walking less than a metre in front of me. Survived on an average of 3 hrs sleep each night, and last 48 hrs between Thursday and Saturday without the aid of anything other than a few pippies.. Started a new job which meant I worked from 7pm till 7am after already had gotten up at 5am the day before, with an hour sleep. Which was due to my being arrested and put in a cell. My Therapist runs out of paper. The police came to see me today aswell. The good ones from the accident, sat on my lounge, called me precious and a ‘Sunday Boozer’ and said not to hesitate to call them if I got into trouble, it’s fairly possible they heard about my escapades on thursday night. Which I was apologised to for, the mobile breath machine in the car was actually faulty. Still scared the shit out of me seeing the back of a paddy wagon and having to pee in a cell toilet. It all happened because dancer boi got out in the middle of the road whilst I was at a red light, so he could break out into raving to pendulum blaring from my speakers. I am almost complete with my transition into my life style goal. I am a hippy. I even meditated today and plan on going to the buddist temple to receive a flower. But as I am fully fledged single again, my body and mind ache from the lust, need and desire of pleasure, attention and comfort from men.

Last night ‘D’* asked me not to include him in my blog. Not there is anything to talk about. We talked till the sunrise and fell asleep beside eachother. There was no intention of anything else. We talked about my ending with Sailor Chef, and his ending of his 5 yr partnership and not having the guts to be with anyone else 2 years one. Poor dude, wasting the best part of twenties. I will find him a nice girls to ease him back into the game. I seem to be more of a wingwomen for my male friends then actually trying to get lucky myself. I dont need to try, and it has nothing to do with luck. They are everywhere, surround me, haunt me, call me, visit me, plead for me, worship me, romance me, feed me.. For what? in the hope they may have a chance? i am far more resilent than that. I am not one to compromise my standards, ok maybe I did with the Chef, but I desire a challenge, a fast pace, I’m yet to meet anyone that matches my mind, except for dancer boi, but he is far too close and inside my head to consider the possibility of a relationship. Oh no, the big word, surely I should not be dishearted or rushful in looking. I am not looking, the lookers come to me, I decide, I accept, I reject, I respect and I am the one with the power.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas fills my room. My message persistently beeps, I’ve counted 5 sms beeps, perhaps I should check them, I was aware I holding up converstations. I am flying, like Aladin on his magic carpet. My life echoes the dreams of a parallell universe version of myself. Craziness finds me, no matter how much I hide. I am a magnet for the insane realms and events of this world, and I enjoy every minute of it. If my life were to be boring, It would not be my life. I want to go to Amsterdam and watch a live sex show. I peeked through the windows of a swingers party I stumbled across, all I could see was the pool, and women the size of a truck with 5 men stuck to her floating whale of body like ants stuck in honey. It was disgusting. I want to leave Australia. We are so far behind in everything, my personality and life style are far too advanced for the majority of residence here. There are too few like minded people. When I find one, most likely female, I gain friends for life.

I’m drinking my first taste of wine for today, from a pint glass, I shall only have one small serving before I decide which date I am to accept for tonight. I require an early night for an early start, so I must be careful in what I desire tonight and order from my phone menu the appropriate individual to amuse my mind for tonight. Till then, xx

Therapy

I went to my first session today. It went well. I felt relief wash over me as I descended back to the proton. There we’re many tears, fears and realizations. Yes I would be considered on the side of the fence which procrastinates with their rum. Although I stopped drinking rum because I didn’t like the way it came back out. I had issues to talk to about the Chef. My kind of boyfriend. Well he was my boyfriend, till today, prior to my session. So I went in there with a a bit of haste and resentment towards our nations protectors, but I left with someone else in my memory. With the ball of love, happiness, comfortness, sanctuary of the bucket of feelings I once had and shared. He is the stem of my problem. My reason for grief. I knew that anyway, I just forget. Whilst I have moved on, and past the longing of wanting that cute evilness in my life, I hold out for the feeling of love. It doesn’t matter the subject or object of ones affections, it was the subtle knowing that no matter what you did, you would still be loved and not judged by this one person, whilst the rest of the world stood and laughed. It’s like losing yourself she said. What I had built up, shared, discovered, lived with one, it would be abnormal but to feel this pain. How I deal and address with such an arising emotion is another thing.

I also start hypnosis next week. I also start my celebacy. I also start  living my life without my favourite form of entertainment. My beloved Kiwi family – Outrageous Fortune. Series Six is in production. Wow, off topic, must be high. Someone is here, they are in my driveway, I can hear the grunt of the engine, the shrill of the belts. It stopped. Actually I think it was just my neighbours.

I’m attempting to cook tonight. Roast Chicken. I hope I get to sleep early tonight. 4am gettup’s are NOT cool no matter how early you get to finish. I want to go fishing, To walk along the rivers edge, The beach! Oh how nice it would be to walk upon the remains of a million, million year old shells.

I feel no anger for you anymore. None. Even if I try!! There was no anger today, my tears were of thankfulness, thankful that you allowed to break us both out of such unhappiness. I feel I have grown a thousand years older. I could not have called myself a woman had I not known this experience. I thank thee, for saving us both. *Raise Glasses and clink together*

PS: I still hope one day my own kids will be as cute as you were as one.

Quick Update

Been very busy, partying partying partying. House full of international Travellers from Germany, Ireland, South Africa and Canada. Plus my friends. Drunk everynight except last night, got too stoned to drink much, RDO tomorrow, drinks tonight, clubs tonight.. I’m missing sex, my Sailor is away, it shall be a month before I see him again. I hope I can hold out that long.

I’m feeling.. A Little bit evil.

Right, wrong, right wrong. It’s 3am in the morning. I decided to put my number on silent, and call, just to hear his messagebank. he would never know who’s calling. I felt a little bit evil, kind of stalkerish, all this time, I could have pranked him stalked