26/04/2010 5:51:03 PM (WST time but I am currently 37k miles in the air over the Aussie Bite.)
The darkness is behind me, the anger, the anxiety, jelousy and confidement. Confusion and power struggles. The ever winding road to remain up up and up. But what goes up must come down.
I’m on the plane to Melbourne, to start a new. My career. My life. My Goals. Myself. My aspirations. “Live the dream u want, not dream the life u want.”
I know tomorrow will be intense. And I knew this upon descending into my journey. It had to happen. I will confess about it another time. However as this page is now somewhat PG13 rated, I hesitate to announce where my pastor of thoughts and forgiveness of sins shall wait to be viewed and judge by those of lesser value in life.
I’m listening to Michael Bolton –Steel Bars. He loves it. Its his good luck song. I dread the fact I know inside me, that the promises we made during consumption of one anothers souls, will be long forgotten in his tumour damaged mind, drug habitual thirsts of desire. He will not make it past 5 weeks. He will be dead, injured or in Jail. That is my prediction.
I’ve fallen for his soul. Who he longs to be truly. But the disease of addiction has eradicated all aspects of obtaining normality beyond his realm of needs for the drug. I would love to help him more than I have. Save him. He deserves more than what he has allowed of himself. I encourage and allow him to be his own inner friend/foe. He forever makes me laugh and were he to be what is accepted as normal by society in regards to social drug use, then I would honestly give up everything to accommodate him into my life and evolve as a union of souls for however long shall fate decide.
In the words of thee who glistens in the reflection of my lost tears, “I’d marry that cunt. Straight out… Hey!”
I’m now listening to ‘Our song’. 2pac, where’d you go?. I know i’ve the ability to draw those around me I have a past life connection with. Or something along those lines.. Yet, spending almost every waking moment in the presence, hugs, thoughts, dreams, fears, self-disappointments and reality checks, I’ve fallen in love. A unique love. A unrequited love that makes no sense other then to learn and love from it. 3 weeks. An average of 4hrs sleep at a time every two days. We were one. We are one. I now understand the bond in which heath ledger played a herion addict, with his fellow muse, in the movie Candy.
His honesty, misguided empathy, natural kindness and trust are abused constantly by manipulators who see a weak point to an advantage of what they crave, and prey upon him. His soul is so sweet, he does not see this. He is vengeful and remorseful when he figures it out, but I can’t imagine the pain and confusion he must suffer every time he gets run over by these vultures. I hope in our time together, he will remember that feeling he had with me. No pressure, no judgement, no justification, nothing but the utter acceptance of his unique individuality in which I try to bestow ontowards everyone in my presence.
But I can’t save him. I know that. He is riding a very faint line of fate. Anyway he goes is doomed to be failure. At its worst cost. He has a piece of my heart, a soul mate from long ago, being punished in this life for past sins. A soul mate I am unable to reach, except along the waves of the connection between two realms only caught in miracles of moments. I would die a thousand times over not to see him hurt, in pain or confused. But it is not my destiny, not my path. Only his. And as much as I see that glimmer in his eyes, and he realises how special he truly is to some people, I have no power to help. The glimmer of light is struggling to stay alit. Faded and clouded by the selfishness of entities never interacted with the Good and greatness of life. They suck the life from him. But its not their fault. It’s the disease. The addiction. The poision on our earth. Enjoyment for most, a deathly rollercoast for the few unfortunate.
As I held him to me today, my head resting in my place on his shoulder, his arms tightly wrapped around me, never ceasing the pressure of release; I knew it would be the last time. So, I sit here on this plane, with a million and one things to think about. Yet his story captures my vision and thoughts. Consumed with compassion and sorrow. My eyes brim, releasing an overflow of tears. For someone I knew, an amazing person even as he was when I met him. A waste of such intelligence. Such simplistic kindness. For these stories, which I sometimes wish I didn’t face, makes me hate the society, culture and expectations we preserve on our existence. Fuck I will miss him. But as much as I am sad, angry and resentful; I will always smile when he enters my memory, smile because I got to experience such a feeling with someone. I would rather the frustration and stabbing pain in my body than not to have been able to talk about such an emotional experience I will never be involved in again. In this life anyway.
Babe- ess.. Sexy Butt.. Sweetheart.
My loyalty and faith forever resides with you. Where ever you are, I am there. Waiting for the next century in which we try again.
I love you in a way that few people know exists.
I wish I could have saved you.